The Knee Trembler
by Lux Aeterna
Summary: Hermione discovers that after a night of spectacular drunkeness she's pregnant with Draco's child. Witness the horror of well... everyone, count the number of people who pass out and behold the amusement of everybody else! Rated R for language.
1. A horrible, yet irritating surprise

Disclaimer : I own nothing at all. And yes, this fic is terribly OOC. And you know what? I'm glad. :-p  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
  
Chapter 1 : A horrible, yet irritating, surprise  
  
Hermione felt very very queasy all of a sudden. She dropped the pregnancy test and fell rather unceremoniously backwards on her arse in the girl's toilets.  
  
This was extremely bad. She was pregnant.  
  
She racked her brains to remember when this could have happened.   
  
Ah-ha.  
  
Now she remembered.  
  
Her mind was cast back to a particularly debauched night involving most of the 7th year in the grounds of the school. Much alcohol had flowed, many people had gotten horribly drunk and the majority had ended up being very violantly sick in one place or another. Most of the 7th year had woken up the next morning ( or afternoon in some cases ) feeling like a bear with a sore head - or a sore arse. Take your pick.  
  
Either way, more alcohol than is normal was smuggled into the school, via Ron Weasley's brothers who had left Hogwarts two years earlier and at the mere mention of the words ''gratuitious booze'' there was a mad stampede of 17 year olds.  
  
Within two hours, only a handfull of people could stand without aid. And those that could stand were only standing because they were being very, very ill.  
  
Hermione remembered being in a comprimising situation with a blond boy with a very irritating accent - the kind of boy that said things like ''Someone call the butler - I'm running low on Martini,'' and ''Get out of my way, you pointless peasant.''  
  
She shuddered at the memory. It was one she'd tried rather hard to supress.  
  
The boy with the irritating accent and political incorrectness was none other than Draco Malfoy.  
  
''Oh for God's sake,''Hermione muttered. She felt more irritated than worried now. Of all people that had to get her up the duff she had to choose Draco bloody Malfoy. She'd almost wished it had been Neville.  
  
No - wait. Too far.  
  
So... she had had drunken unprotected sex with someone who would have gladly seen her shot and now she was pregnant with his child. Well... you could say that at least the start of the day had been interesting.  
  
Interesting in the sense of it being not interesting at all - more petrifying, humiliating and generally extremely worrying.  
  
All of a sudden, after taking all this information in, it seemed a great chore to convince herself to get up off the floor.  
  
''Maybe I'll just lie here for a while and it'll all just dissapear,''Hermione said to herself. She thought about it. ''Perhaps not.''  
  
With much effort, Hermione picked herself up off the floor and walked out of the toilet like a zombie. She headed up to Gryffindor Tower. Her first instinct was to find someone to shriek like a banshee to, so obviously she thought of Harry, seeing as he was no stranger to the odd and melodramatic. She ran at full pelt up the stairs to Harry's dorm and beat the door wildly with her fists.  
  
''HARRY! LET ME INNNNN!!''  
  
''What now?''  
  
''No, in an hour. Yes now!''  
  
Harry opened the door, looking rather suspicious  
  
''Do you mind?'' he said. ''I was in the middle of a wank.''  
  
There was a painful moment of silence and then Hermione elbowed him roughly out of the way then burst into a fit of extremely noisy tears, in what was an very unnattractive manner.  
  
''What's the matter, Herm?''said Harry worridly, whilst rubbing the place where Hermione had elbowed him  
  
''OhgodHarryit'sfuckingawfulmylifehasendedohmychristeverythingsgonewrongandI'msofuckeditisn'tevenfunny!!!!!''  
  
Harry blinked. ''I'm sorry . . .but what?''  
  
Hermione clucked a little, then cleared her throat and said ''I'm pregnant.''  
  
Harry then chose to pass out, whilst making a noise that can only be described as ''Mwahi''.  
  
Hermione scowled at Harry's unconcious form. ''Oh what a great help you turned out to be, Harry Sodding Potter.''  
  
She started to boot him in the side until he realised that playing dead wasn't going to work in this particular situation. With much reluctance, Harry got to his feet. His legs then took it upon themselves to say ''Hang on a second - we don't feel like standing up'' and Harry fell arse over tit back onto the floor.  
  
''My Christ, that hurt . . '' Harry moaned sitting up, clutching his newly-bruised arse.  
  
''I don't care,''said Hermione dully, staring into space.  
  
Harry blinked afew more times. He tried vainly to remember the drunken debauched night of afew weeks ago. Nothing came. All he knew was that Ron had gotten pictures of Harry dancing topless singing Led Zeppelin's ''Whole Lotta Love'' at the top of his voice. The pictures had been truly atrocious, considering that Harry wasn't the most muscular of all people and he'd had some kind of vomit-like substance in his hair.  
  
The next morning Harry had woken up smelling of vom. It had not been pleasent.  
  
Plus the fact that he could remember sod all destroyed the bonus of inventing excuses to rectify his drunken behavior.  
  
''Oh dear...,''Harry said. ''Tell me you're making this pregnancy thing up as a very disturbing and highly unfunny joke.''  
  
Hermione shook her head, and looked like she was about to cry again.  
  
(( Please don't let me be the father . . .)) Harry thought desperately.  
  
''So, umm... yes, Hermione,'' said Harry, trying to sound casual and dismissive, as if talking about the weather. ''Any idea who the father is?''  
  
Hermione raised her head and looked Harry right in the eyes.  
  
She took a deep breath, so deep that the air became noticably thinner and things flew off the walls.  
  
''It's Draco Malfoy.''  
  
Harry's shrill, girlish scream was heard throughout the castle, followed by a thump as Harry's head hit the floor.  
  
In a sense, Draco being the father made the situation remarkably worse, if that was really possible. Then came the noise of Hermione giving Harry a swift kick in the ribs.  
  
''Get up, you stupid bastard,''she snapped. ''I need you here!''  
  
Harry came round and got very slowly and shakily to his feet. He looked at Hermione with an unreadable expression, then headed to the window, where he started to climb out, ready to kill himself.  
  
''Oh bloody hell, Harry,''cried Hermione, hands on hips. ''Don't be so stupid.''  
  
''I refuse to live in a world where Draco Malfoy is allowed to breed,''said Harry, evenly. ''I'm sure many people feel the same way and will join me in a mass suicide.''  
  
Hermione dragged Harry from the window and sat him down. ''Please Harry,''she begged. ''Will you help me tell him?''  
  
Harry headed back to the window.  
  
''I'm being serious, Harry!''Hermione cried. She started to cry and Harry felt bad. He turned half-around, as one of his legs was dangling out of the window. He looked at Hermione's miserable face and felt his stomach lurch unpleasantely. He hated seeing her looking so unhappy.  
  
''Ok, Herm,'' he said. ''I'll help you.'' He sighed. ''Who else knows? Does Ron know?''  
  
Hermione shook her head.   
  
Harry shook his head. ''Now, if there's someone who isn't going to be singing and dancing about this, then it's going to be Ron, hands down. Don't expect flowers and big shouts of congratulations from him. Expect a chainsaw and a cheesegrater.''  
  
Hermione smiled wryly. ''I know that he's going to be pissed off, Harry,''she said. ''But Ron's not who I'm worrying about right now.''  
  
Harry nodded. ''I guess. So when do you want to go find Mr Malfoy Happypants?''  
  
Hermione shrugged. ''Now would be a good time,''she said.  
  
Harry gave a nod, looked wistfully at the window one more time and headed out the door with Hermione.  
  
''Oh this is going to be shits and giggles... '' said Harry sarcastically, a look of doom in his eyes. ''Shits and bloody giggles.''  
  
Well, chapter 2 should be up soon. With any luck, this will improve.  
  
Luv Lux  
  
xox 


	2. Draco finds out and passes out, classy!

Disclaimer : I own nothing.  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
  
Chapter 2 : Draco finds out and passes out... classy!  
  
Draco was in the bath. He really did love the 7th year bathroom - it was the size of a swimming pool, but with more bubbles.  
  
And if there was one thing in the world that Draco Malfoy loved, it was bubbles.  
  
He gave a relaxed sigh and slipped a little further underwater, inhaling the smell of lavender bubbles and generally not thinking about anything too strenuous. It was so nice being in here . . . with no interruption whatsoev -   
  
''Draco! Draco! Draco! Is that you in there?''  
  
Draco growled to himself. Bloody Goyle - just when he thought he'd get some peace and quiet...  
  
''No Goyle, it's not me - I'm a whale who's escaped from my cruel master and is hiding in a bathroom at a school, of course. Well done! You've caught me out, you cunning little man, you.''  
  
The sarcasm in Draco's voice was so thick you could have cut it with a knife.  
  
There was a protracted silence.  
  
''Really?''  
  
Draco reeled at Goyle's rampant stupidity.   
  
''Is Draco still in there then?''  
  
Draco held his head in his hands. ''No, I've eaten him,''he said. ''And very nice he was too. Could have used some seasoning but tasty nonetheless.''  
  
The silence returned.  
  
''Oh,''said Goyle after a while. ''Well... err...'' He trailed off, apparantely thinking. Draco heard Goyle holler, ''OI! CRABBE!''  
  
There was a sound of heavy footsteps.  
  
''Wotcha,''said Crabbe.  
  
''A whale's in there mind,''said Goyle excitedly to Crabbe. ''He's eaten Draco...'' A pause. ''Do you think we should tell his mum? Do you think she'll mind?''  
  
Draco gave an exasperated sigh and heaved himself out of the bath. He wrapped a towel round his waist and headed to the door. Angrily, he pulled it open and stared at Crabbe and Goyle like the idiots that they clearly were.  
  
''Draco!''cried Goyle. ''You're alive!''  
  
Draco rolled his eyes. ''Yes, well noticed, Goyle.''  
  
''But that whale in there - he said he'd eaten you! I was well worried -''  
  
Draco cut him off. ''Goyle, you can't seriously believe that there was a whale in the bath with me. I would've thought you'd have noticed a large fish-like mammal stroll through the door, don't you?''  
  
Goyle paused, seemingly thinking, or at least pretending to.   
  
''Well, you never know,''said Goyle. ''Could've been wearing a hat, couldn't he?''  
  
Draco chose not to reply and went back inside the bathroom to get changed. He returned moments later, looking like his stuck-up, immaculate self.  
  
''So,''he said. ''What did you pull me out of the bath for?''  
  
''I didn't pull you out,''said Goyle, confused. ''You got out yourself - ''  
  
''No, I didn't mean that,''said Draco, wondering how he had so much patience. ''I meant what did you want?''  
  
''Hermione Granger and Harry Potter want to speak to you,''said Goyle.   
  
Crabbe nodded. ''Yeah,''he said. ''They said it's important, or something. I dunno.''  
  
Draco raised an eyebrow. ''They want to speak to me?''he said, deeply confused. ''They actually want to??''  
  
Crabbe and Goyle nodded stupidly. Draco shrugged. ''Oh bloody hell,''he said. ''If it's that important I might as well. I could use a good bitch at Potter right now.''  
  
Draco gave Harry a particularly venomous look when he finally ran into the two of them. Hermione looked rather pale, Draco noticed vaguely.  
  
''Right,''said Draco. ''I've been pulled out of my bath for what exactly? Hop to it, Potter, I haven't got all day to be standing around talking to foolish peasants like you.''  
  
''Bite my arse,''said Harry snappily.  
  
Draco raised his eyebrow. ''Not right now,''he drawled. ''I've got better things to do with my time, such as impaling myself on sharp pointed spears.''  
  
''We can only dream, Malfoy,''said Harry, grinning horribly.  
  
Hermione stepped forward. ''We need to talk,''she said, sternly.  
  
''Do we really?''said Draco, looking pained.  
  
''Yes,''she said. Hermione took a deep breath and looked at Harry, who put a hand on her shoulder for support, mainly for himself rather than her.  
  
Draco turned to Crabbe and Goyle. ''Go away,''he said.  
  
''What? Now?''said Goyle.  
  
''No, next week,''said Draco with sarcasm.  
  
''Oh. Alright then,''smiled Crabbe.  
  
They stood perfectly still, smiling away blissfully at Draco. It seemed that sarcasm was only a seven-letter word to them. Well, obviously they didn't realise it had seven letters in it. To them it was just a big word that meant something.  
  
A spider started to make a cobweb on Crabbe's forehead.  
  
Draco lost his temper. ''Piss off, you freakish blobs!!''he roared. Crabbe and Goyle looked very hurt, and sloped off sadly together. Goyle started to cry.  
  
Hermione looked Draco in the eye. Draco yawned.   
  
Hermione scowled.  
  
''Oh, do talk,''drawled Draco sarcastically. ''I always yawn when I'm interested.''  
  
Hermione ignored him. She took another deep breath then said in a voice of horrible assurance, ''I'm pregnant. And the child's yours.''  
  
There was another protracted silence.  
  
''Crikey,''said Draco.  
  
Then he passed out.  
  
His head made a sound that can only be described as ''bonk'' as it hit the floor, which was rather ironic if you think about it.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle, obviously practically psychic to they're master's plight came running out of nowhere. Maybe they'd heard the sound Draco's head had made.  
  
Goyle threw himself down beside Draco's unconcious form.  
  
''Oh my Christ!''he screamed. ''The whale got him!''  
  
Hermione and Harry looked at eachother. ''He didn't take that as well as I'd hoped,''said Hermione slowly.  
  
Harry put his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels. ''I dunno... ''he said. ''He took it better than what I was imagining. Frankly I feel a little dissapointed.''  
  
Hermione knelt down beside Draco. He was out cold for sure. ''Do you think we should get Madam Pomfrey?''she said.  
  
''Nah,''said Harry. ''Let's leave him here for a bit, kick him a little, you know... that sort of thing.''  
  
Hermione ignored this. ''I'm going to get Madam Pomfrey,''she said.  
  
And as she rushed away down the hall, all that could be heard was the sound of Harry's inane giggling, Goyle's noisy crying and the sound of Crabbe picking his nose.  
  
Well? You like? Tell me what you think. Chapter 3 should be up soonish I suppose.   
  
Lux  
  
xox 


	3. Draco faces facts, but not before hiding...

Disclaimer : I own nothing! Nada! Zero! Zilch!   
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
Chapter 3 : Draco faces facts, but not before hiding under his duvet  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Draco woke up in the hospital wing with a pounding headache. Then he remembered why he had a pounding headache and it became considerably worse. He gave a groan and turned over, thoughts of babies and no sleep forever running through his brain.  
  
How could this have happened??  
  
Well, obviously he knew *how* it happened, but he couldn't remember hardly anything about the night where it had meant to have happened.  
  
With all his might, he struggled to remember something from the drunken night a few weeks ago. It took a while, but in the end something popped up in a hazy memory.  
  
All he could remember was stumbling around in the dark with some girl with curly hair, then retreating into a very dark corner.  
A great deal of movement went on, and Draco remembered vaguely thinking, ''Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, OHHH YES!!!''  
  
And that was the end of that grand train of thought.  
  
Draco gave a deep groan and felt tears of profound misery and general irritance sting the corners of his eyes.  
  
He tried to go back to sleep, but all the worries of never having sex again and being surrounded by a brood of screaming youngsters was dancing round his brain in a highly successfull attempt to make him want to kill himself.  
  
But Draco being Draco, he was far too high-born and half-arsed to waste his time with such a petty thing as suicide. If he was going to vent his rage then he would go home and torture the servants in his mansion until they cried.  
  
He smiled vaguely to himself. Nothing was more fun than making someone feel worse than he did.  
  
Just at that moment, Hermione and Harry walked into the ward. Draco's eyes nearly jumped out of his sockets in horror. He gave a little, girly yelp and hid underneath his duvet.  
  
''If I can't see them, they can't see me,''Draco started saying to himself. He repeated this at least twelve times.  
  
He could sense Hermione standing by his bed. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and muttered, ''If I can't see them, they can't see me.''  
  
''Draco,''said Hermione. ''Stop hiding under that duvet. We know you're under there.''  
  
''Damn these flimsy sheets!'' cried Draco angrily.   
  
He gave an anguished cry and got tangled up in his duvet.  
  
Harry did his best not to giggle, but failed spectacularly and came very close to wetting himself.  
  
''How long have I been unconcious?''said Draco miserably.  
  
''Three days,''said Hermione. ''You didn't take it very well.''  
  
Draco slumped into his pillow. ''Obviously,''he said.  
  
''Anyway,''said Hermione. ''I've done some thinking and I've decided what to do about the baby and all that.''  
  
Harry blinked. ''Why wasn't I informed about this? When were you going to tell me? I didn't know you were actually *thinking* about it yet!''  
  
Hermione looked at Harry and gave a sigh. ''You'll find out soon enough,''she said. She turned back to Draco, who was looking pained, as if someone had just shoved a broken bicycle seat up his arse without lubricant and was turning it slowly and nastily.  
  
She ran a hand through her hair.  
  
''Stop bloody stalling, woman!''snapped Draco. ''My head hurts enough as it sodding well is and the last thing I need is you posing by my bloody bedside!''  
  
Hermione glared at Draco, who was having none of it. ''I've decided to keep the baby.''  
  
Harry, to the side of her, gave a terrible cry, a gurgling gasp, then passed out. This was turning into something of a habit, Hermione noticed.  
  
Draco thought about crying, or passing out, or going on a mad killing rampage but in the end decided on three well-chosen words.  
  
''Oh, bloody hell,''he said.  
  
''I've told my mum and dad,''she continued. ''They were shocked, but they understand and they said it's my choice.''  
  
''Don't I get a say?''snapped Draco.  
  
''No.''  
  
''Oh.''  
  
Draco twiddled his thumbs and cleared his throat. ''So . . .''he said. ''Told anyone else?''  
  
''Yes,''said Hermione. ''Ron.''  
  
Draco gave a biting laugh. ''Jeeeeesus,''he grinnned. ''How did he take it?''  
  
Hermione pointed to a bed not far away from Draco's. Ron lay there, surrounded by strange little implements that were obviously there to help him live. Draco raised an eyebrow. ''He didn't take it well, I see,''he said.  
  
''No,''said Hermione sarcastically. ''He was thrilled and wants to be the godfather.''  
  
Draco scowled.  
  
By Ron's bed they could hear Madam Pomfrey saying, ''Amazing - I've never known someone to have six simultanious heart attacks and survive!''  
Draco sniggered at this and Hermione clipped him round the back of the head.  
  
The two of them peered down at Harry, who's leg was twitching in his unconcious state.  
''Do you think we should wake him up?''said Draco.  
  
''Oh, don't mind Harry,''said Hermione. ''He'll come around soon enough.''  
  
''Can I kick him and make sure that he doesn't come around?''said Draco, leering unpleasantely.  
  
Hermione ignored this. ''When are you going to tell your parents?''she said, dully.  
  
Draco burst into wild laughter, then stopped. ''Oh . . you were being serious . .''he said. He thought about the question at hand until he came to a suitable answer. ''How does 'never' suit you?'' He grinned in what he thought was a charming way. It clearly wasn't charming to Hermione, as she went to throw a potted plant at his head. Draco gave a girlish squeal and hid underneath his duvet again.  
  
The plant missed and shattered next to his bed. ''You bloody madwoman!!''Draco roared. ''That nearly bloody killed me, you daft bitch!''  
  
Hermioned growled to herself. ''Yes, and what a shame it would've been too if it had, you waste of skin,''she hissed.  
  
Draco pouted. ''Fine,''he said. ''I'll tell my parents, but don't you come whining to me when they've burned your house down and ravaged your village!''  
  
Hermione raised an eyebrow and backed away slightly.  
  
''Not that we've ever done that before . .''babbled Draco. ''Well . . .not in a while anyway.''  
  
''Yes, but *when* are you going to tell them?''cried Hermione, getting rapidly annoyed.  
  
''You might have overlooked the fact that I have been unconcious for *three bloody days*, and maybe, just maybe, I'd like to regain my strength before losing it again, if that's alright with you, your celestial majesty!''hissed Draco sarcastically.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Draco did what he was told. Within twenty minutes of incessant whining, Hermione had dragged Draco from his bed and made him go to the Owlery to send a letter to his parents, telling them everything that had happened.  
  
Naturally he had cried like a whiny little ponce whilst writing.  
  
''Dear Father, ( the letter had said ) I know this might come as a heart-attack inducing shock to you, but it turns out that I have gotten a girl pregnant. And I know this is only making things worse, but she happens to be a Mudblood with silly hair. I'm very, very, very deeply sorry and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to murder me in the dead of night with a macarbe grin on your face, like you have done to so many people before.  
Your loving son,  
Draco.''  
  
He attached it to an owl, which flew off extremely fast, to get away from a sobbing seventeen-year-old boy.  
  
Within the hour, a reply came.  
  
There were only three words on it.  
  
''You little bastard.'' it said.  
  
Another owl turned up just as quickly, saying that Lucius Malfoy would be arriving at the school within the week to talk to his son.  
  
And by the word ''talk'' he clearly meant ''disembowel.''  
  
''Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw,''muttered Draco as he passed out.  
  
Hermione groaned. Oh wonderful, a chance to meet the parents of her illigitimite baby's father.  
  
Could it get any better than this?  
  
No, but it could sure as hell try.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 4 up soon! Lucius visits Draco . . oh the horror! Thanks for reviews!  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	4. Lucius loses the will to live

Disclaimer : I own nowt.  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
Chapter 4 : Lucius loses the will to live, as does most people  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lucius turned up at Hogwarts about four and a half days after Draco had sent the letter. He looked haggard, his long blond hair all over the shop, and his eyes were bloodshot and resembled raspberrys in a way.  
  
The moment Lucius caught sight of his son, his eyes squinted in such a way that people started to hide. One of those hiding was Draco, who dived behind a nearby rosebush. He hid there for at least an hour before Lucius found him, and was seen been dragged kicking and screaming through the grounds by an irate blond man.  
  
''But Father!''wailed Draco. ''I'm your son!''  
  
''We'll bloody see about that,''Lucius muttered as he dragged Draco inside.  
  
Once they'd found an empty room, Lucius literally picked up Draco by his hair and threw him into a desk. Draco lay there for a good few minutes, as it seemed a lot safer to play dead right now.  
  
Draco heard his father unscrew a hipflask of whiskey and take a very deep swig.  
  
''My god, Draco . .''muttered Lucius, who was drunk anyway, with or without the whiskey. ''A mudblood??''  
  
Draco blushed. ''Sorry,''he said. ''It could've been worse . .''  
  
This didn't seem to be the reply Lucius was looking for.  
  
''Sorry??? You're sorry???''he roared. ''For god's sake Draco!!! How could this be worse?? You've gotten a Mudblod up the duff - I'm going to be a mockery at the Death Eaters Association ! And the Dark Lord! What's he going to say when he finds out that one of his best men's son has got some silly tart pregnant! Oh my god . . .the humanity . . .''  
He put his head in his hands and started to mutter incomprehenable things. Then he started to cry.  
  
Draco was not in the mood now for any of this. ''Are you finished?''he said spitefully.  
  
Lucius looked up from sobbing and then wiped his nose on his sleeve. ''Not really,''he said.  
  
He stood to his full height, but because he was so drunk he couldn't do it for long, and slumped against a desk.  
  
''At least show me what this Mudblood scum looks like . .''he muttered vaguely.  
  
Draco conjured an image of Hermione and Lucius pulled a face.   
  
''Bloody hell, she's hideous! How could you be so stupid??''he cried.  
  
Draco felt insulted - yes, Hermione wasn't going to win any beauty pageants in the near future, but she was far from hideous.  
  
''Oh come off it, Father,''said Draco, annoyed. ''I was drunk! And when you're that drunk, *nobody* is hideous. You even find yourself thinking the hoover is totally irressitable!''  
  
Lucius clearly wasn't listening, as he had dissapeared into singing ''Danny Boy'', adding his own lyrics here and there.  
  
Draco grimaced and went to leave. His father's drunken warbles followed him out into the hall.  
  
''DANNY BOYYYY, THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE CALLING . . .umm . . .MY SON'S A TART!'' Lucius sang.  
  
Draco shuddered.  
  
''Draco!''bellowed Lucius, drunkenly. ''Get back here and help me with the next verse of Danny Boy! Draco!''  
  
Draco looked to the left to see Crabbe, Goyle, Harry and Hermione. Standing there, looking pale but very amused was Ron, who had recovered remarkably quick from his six simultaneous heart attacks.  
  
''Aren't you meant to be dead?''said Draco spitefully. Ron ignored him.  
  
''So . .''said Harry, grinning. ''How's your dad taking the news?''  
  
Draco rolled his eyes. ''Yes, I know, Father's gone completely tonto.'' He gave a sigh. ''I need a drink,''he said.  
  
Then he left.  
  
Goyle peered into the empty classroom that Lucius was singing in. ''I'll help you sing the rest of the song, Mr Malfoy,''he said.  
  
Lucius was lying on the floor, underneath a desk, completely off his face.  
  
''Piss you, you ugly bloody slug!''he yelled. He threw the hipflask of whiskey at Crabbe, which bounced off his head, making a truly great sound.  
  
DOINK!!  
  
Ron nearly wet himself laughing, clutching at his heart whilst he did so. He gave a heaving breath then keeled over, legs akimbo.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The next few days passed in a frankly noisy blur.   
  
Lucius chose to stay at the school for a couple of days, mainly because he was having great difficulty in walking without falling arse over tit. A great deal of alchohol had been drunk by the Death Eater - at least as much as is consumed at a Scottish wedding which, believe me, is a helluva lot.  
  
His singing could be heard all over Hogwarts, and it was giving everyone a headache, espcially Draco, who had taken to putting cotton wool in his ears.  
  
One evening, Pansy Parkinson came into Draco's room, grinning ear to ear at the fact that she was standing in the place where Draco slept.  
  
''Hello Draco,''she said brightly.  
  
Draco removed a piece of cotton wool from his right ear. ''What do you want?''he said nastily.  
  
''Um . . . you do realise that your dad is in the Slytherin common room, drunk as a lord and singing Irish folk songs, don't you?''she said.  
  
Draco feigned shock. ''No? Really? Well, I must say, Pansy, that comes as a shock! I can honestly say I haven't noticed my father warbling like a 6ft canary with an infuriatingly loud voice echoing round the bloody school one little bit! Thank you so much for telling me.'' Draco sarcasm meter was going off the scale.   
  
He glared at Pansy. ''You are an idiot,''he said.  
  
Pansy looked hurt but then said, ''You look so cute when you're angry.''  
  
Draco reached for his wand. ''Get out before I turn you into something even more disgusting than whatever the hell you are now,''he said dangerously.  
  
Pansy cleverly left and Draco put the cotton wool back in his right ear.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room, Ron was getting more and more pissed off at Lucius's singing.  
  
''I swear, I'm going to kill that cocaine-snorting, Porche-driving, wine-tasting arsehole if he keeps up that fucking singing!''he snarled.  
  
Hermione looked up at him from her book, an eyebrow raised. ''No you won't,''she said.  
  
''Yes I would,''Ron said, feeling a little put out.  
  
''No you wouldn't,'' said Harry.  
  
''I bloody would!''Ron cried.  
  
''Go on then,''said Hermione.  
  
''No, I don't want to now,''said Ron, sulkily.  
  
''I've got to say,''said Harry thoughtfully. ''Who would've thought that Lucius Malfoy would have a voice like Pavarotti.''  
  
''Like who?''said Ron, confused.  
  
''Oh, this big fat Muggle bloke who sings opera,''said Harry.  
  
''Like who?''said Ron.  
  
Harry ignored him. ''Maybe Lucius should get a record deal,''he said.  
  
Hermione glared at him.   
  
''Maybe not,''said Harry as an afterthought.  
  
''Well I must say,''said Hermione, huffily. ''The sooner that horrible man is gone, the better. He keeps jumping out at me in the hallways trying to scare me into having a heart attack!''  
  
''He does that to me anyway,''said Ron. ''I think he enjoys it.'' He sniggered. ''I bet the servants at his house love him . . .''  
  
Harry giggled.  
  
''It's not funny!''snapped Hermione. ''He's trying to kill me!''  
  
''Well, can't blame the guy,''said Harry evenly. ''I mean, he is one of the Dark Lord's minions. I bet that if all his evil mates find about about his son having a baby with you then they'll take the piss out of him for weeks!''  
  
Hermione scowled. ''Well . . .Lucius Malfoy can bite my arse.''  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 5 shouldn't take too long for me to do, so bear with me!  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	5. Bills, twister and depression

Disclaimer : I own nothing.  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
Chapter 5 : Bills, Twister and Depression  
  
Lucius went home after about another few days.   
  
''You're just going to let me go?''said Lucius, looking hurt.  
  
''Well, put it this way,''said Draco. ''We're not going to cry for you to come back.''  
  
This was mainly because he'd damaged so many people's hearing that you heard the words ''What?? I can't hear you!'' at least seventeen times a day.  
  
Draco seemed particularly relieved when his father was piled onto the train, still rolling drunk and cradling a bottle of Jack Daniels. Draco waved him off at the station. Lucius stuck his head out the window. He was drooling a little but didn't seem to notice. He pointed a finger at his son.  
  
''You're a little bastard!''he shouted. ''You're a little bastard and I'm going to bring your mother down here and she'll give you such an arse kicking . . . Where am I going again, Draco?'' He peered at the station that he was leaving fast.  
  
''Home,''said Draco. ''And may you stay there.''  
  
Then he turned around and went back to the castle, in an outstandingly bad mood.  
  
''This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before,''he muttered.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The months went by. Hermione got fatter. Draco got suicidal. Ron and Harry started passing out on a daily basis, so much so that no-one really noticed anymore. It became the norm.  
  
Draco had been forced on more than one occasion to go baby shopping with Hermione. Naturally he monaed like a bitch all the way. Even though it was his child that didn't mean he wanted to go out and shop for it. That was Hermione's problem, dammit.  
  
People had also taken to stopping and laughing at Draco whenever he passed them in the corridor. Some had even got into the highly annoying habit of smacking him.  
  
It pissed him off that it was Hermione who was getting all the bloody pity, rather than him.  
  
Draco was walking idly round the school one day when an own came hurtling out of nowhere and smacked him in the face.  
  
''Arghhh!''cried Draco, more out of annoyance than pain.  
  
He gave the unconcious owl a sly kick and snatched the piece of parchment from around it's leg.  
  
He read it then swore outloud. It was the bill from the shops Hermione had been buying baby things from.  
  
''Oh for fucks sake!''Draco cried. ''There is no way in bloody hell that I'm paying for all this crap!!''  
  
In a rage that can only be done right by the stupidly rich and those who are asking for a slap, Draco stormed off to the library, where he'd come to know was where Hermione usually was.  
  
Sure enough, there she was. Draco felt close to exploding with anger at having to spend his money ( well . .his father's money ) on someone other than himself. He threw the bill in her face.  
  
''What the hell were you thinking, woman??''Draco roared. ''Look at how much money you've wasted!''  
  
''I wouldn't call spending money on your child wasting money, Draco,''said Hermione coldly.  
  
''For Christ's sake, it's a baby, not a bloody broomstick!''he shouted. ''You don't have to keep it running, and polish it and take it for inspection! All you need to do is feed it and change it! There's not much more to it!'' He massaged his temples. ''Bloody hell . . .''  
  
''Actually,''said Hermione, folding her arms. ''The baby needs a good deal of things. Toys, nappies, places to sleep, clothes, bibs - ''  
  
Draco cut her off. ''I don't care!''he wailed. He sighed. ''I need a sit down.'' He slumped into a chair and started to rock back and forth. ''So much money . . . so much money that can't be spent on me . . .''  
  
Hermione took in upon herself to smack him around the head with a book. ''Oh, stop whining, you pointless little man.''  
  
Draco burst into tears. ''I'm not pointless! I'm very useful!''  
  
''To who?''said Hermione nastily.  
  
Draco had to stop and think about this one. ''Give me a minute . . ''he said thoughtfully. He shook his head and shrugged. ''No, you're right. I am pointless. Sorry.''  
  
''And blond,''smirked Hermione.  
  
''And blond.''  
  
Draco sighed deeply. ''Well, this is depressing,''he said. He started to beat his head against the desk.  
  
''Stop that!''the librarian shouted. ''You'll wreak the wood!''  
  
''Oh piss off, you hideous old bat!''Draco snapped viciously. ''Why don't you go and get buried under a pile of books or something and do everyone a bloody favour!''  
  
Hermione blinked. ''Maybe you should go and lie down,''she said.  
  
''Maybe I should go and lie down,''echoed Draco miserably.   
  
So he sloped off by himself through the corridors, surrounded by laughter and the odd person running up to him, smacking him on the forehead whilst shouting ''Slaparama!'' and running away.  
  
Draco went to his dorm room and lay down on his bed. He drew the curtains around him for privacy, but to Crabbe and Goyle, privacy was just a seven-letter word that meant something.  
  
''Wotcha, Draco,''Crabbe beamed as he pulled back Draco's curtains.  
  
Draco chose not to respond.  
  
''Draco? Draco? Draco? Draco? Donald? . . I mean . .Draco?''  
  
Crabbe went on like this for a while until Draco finally gave in.  
  
''What??''he snarled. ''Can't you see that I'm trying to be alone here?? Why the hell do you have to interrupt me whenever I want some peace and sodding quiet, you stupid, stupid person??''  
  
Crabbe looked at him blankly. ''Want a sweetie?''he said, producing a bag of sweets.  
  
Draco wrinkled his nose. ''Have you touched them?''he said.  
  
''Yeh, been eating them for the past half hour.''  
  
''Then no, I don't want a sweetie.''  
  
Crabbe grinned. He pointed at Goyle. ''Me and Goyle learned how to play Twister,''he said.  
  
Goyle beamed. ''It's fun and it hurts,''he said, smiling. ''It's a clever game.''  
  
''No,''said Draco. ''Backgammon is a clever game. Twister is a game for bendy retards.''  
  
''We can play it and we don't fall down once,''said Goyle, still grinning joyfully.  
  
''What a shame,''hissed Draco. ''I would've so looked forward to see you fall on your stupid fat arse.''  
  
Crabbe and Goyle looked blank. ''We can play Twister,''they said.  
  
''I've got better things to do that play Twister,''said Draco exasperatedly.  
  
''Oh yeh,''said Crabbe thoughtfully. ''That baby of yours . . .yeah . . . how's that going then?''  
  
Draco burst into tears at the misery and stress of it all, but to make himself feel better he set Goyle on fire.  
  
After this he felt a little bit better.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Stand by for chapter 6 in the near future!  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	6. Hermione gets emotional and Draco gets a...

Disclaimer : I own everything bwahahahahaha *cough* . . . Ok I don't. There? Happy?  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
Chapter 6 : Hermione gets emotional and Draco gets another letter . . whoopee!  
  
The months passed in a fat haze. Hermione was nearly seven months pregnant at this point and everyone was happy to say that Lucius hadn't fulfilled his promise to return and have Draco's mother kick Draco's arse.  
  
Obviously, the happiest among everyone was Draco.  
  
Well . . . happy in the sense that his parents hadn't returned. He was still beating his head against a wall at the fact that he was going to be a father in two months. It's not a thought that any teenage boy wanted to deal with. Even now and then, Draco would just drop to the floor and have screaming fits, much to the disgust of Hermione.  
  
''Draco, you really have to stop all this crying and screaming,''said Hermione to Draco one day.  
  
Draco looked at her with a disgusted expression. ''And might I ask why?''he snapped.  
  
Hermione growled. ''Because when the baby's here, if you carry on like that then you'll upset it.''  
  
Draco looked pained. ''It'll upset it??''he cried. ''How about, it'll upset me?!''  
  
''Don't you care about anyone but yourself?''shouted Hermione. Then, to Draco's horror, she started to cry.  
  
''You don't care about anyone but your own selfish self,''Hermione wept. ''You don't care about me or even your own child. All you can ever think about is what you want and what you feel. Don't you think I'm scared too? I'm petrified, Draco! My whole career is about to be destroyed but at least I love this baby, even if it is yours.''  
  
Draco felt an unwelcome pang of guilt in his chest and tried to think of something comforting to say. He'd never been in a situation before where he'd had to be nice and he felt very confused.  
  
''Um . . .well . . .''he began. ''It's not that I don't care about you and the baby, Hermione. It's just that . . . you know . . . I'm . .I mean . . we're young and this is really scary for me . . I mean, us. I do sort of care, you know . . .''  
  
Hermione looked at Draco with deep dislike. ''Oh shut up, Draco,''she snapped. ''Stop trying to be nice when you know you don't care at all.''  
  
Draco felt put out. ''Of course I bloody well care!''he hissed. ''I'm not bloody pretending to understand what you're going through here, you know, but I am paying for everything you need and making the school give you as much time off as you want! I'm sitting here right now aren't I? Bloody hell, you women! You can never be happy!''  
  
''Not with you anyway,''said Hermione. Her eyes filled with tears again. ''I'll never be happy with you in my life.''  
  
And then she stood up and left.  
  
Draco felt bad. He'd never really felt guilt before and it was a very nasty shock. He gave a sigh.  
  
''I never want to breed again,''he said.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hermione sat in her dormitory, trying to get a little peace and quiet. She felt horribly pissed off at Draco, useless blond faggot that he was. Sometimes, in very rare moments when Draco was trying to be nice, she almost enjoyed his company.  
  
Then he would open his mouth and start talking and she'd hate him all over again.  
  
Yes, he'd paid for everything, but that was only through incessant whining. Lucius Malfoy hadn't exactly been over the moon when Draco had sent him a couple of bills. If Draco's face the next day was anything to go by, Lucius had been in a particularly vicious mood and had sent a curse in the post.  
  
However, a curse in the post from Lucius was almost like a hug. It was one of his less spiteful ways of showing his dislike for everything his son had ever done.  
  
Every now and again, Draco would get letters from his father saying what a failure he was and that nothing he'd ever done was good enough and that he'd never liked him in the first place and that his hair was silly.  
  
Suddenly there was a knock on her door. She heaved herself off the bed and headed to open the door.  
  
Standing there was Draco.  
  
''How did you get in here?''Hermione asked.  
  
''It's probably best you don't know,''said Draco. And then from behind his back he produced a bonquet of flowers with a ''sorry'' note attached. Hermione gave Draco a funny look.  
  
''Are you stoned or something?''she said.  
  
Draco attempted to ignore this and said, ''I felt bad about being a knob, so I thought I'd get you some flowers.''  
  
''I'm allergic to tulips,''said Hermione.  
  
Draco threw his arms up in the air in annoyance. ''Christ, I can't do anything right can I?? That's it - I'm going outside to drown myself in the lake! Tell my father I think he's complete and utter dingbat and that -''  
  
Hermione interruped him. ''It's the thought that counts,''she said, giving him a half-smile.  
  
Draco stopped his rant and looked at her strangely. ''Oh,''he said. ''Does this mean I can buy you crap and you won't mind because it's the thought that counts?''  
  
''The lake's that way,''said Hermione shortly.  
  
Draco sighed and headed outside.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry and Ron were lolling about on the lawn. All of a sudden the saw Draco galumphing towards the lake, then promptly throw himself in.  
  
Ron and Harry just watched for a moment before going, ''Cool.''  
  
''Malfoy's trying to commit suicide again,''said Harry.  
  
''Yeah,''said Ron. ''Do you reckon we should help him?''  
  
They thought about this for about two nano-seconds.  
  
''Nah.''  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Afew days later a letter arrived for Draco. He was sitting at breakfast when an owl crashed into his cornflakes, splattering milk all over Crabbe and Goyle, who didn't really notice until someone pointed out to them a few days later.  
  
Draco sighed and opened the letter, expecting more hate-mail from his father. Surprisingly it was from his mother, who until now had been refusing to speak to him.  
  
The letter read, ''Dear Draco, I know exactly what has been happening in your life and may I just say what a complete and utter waste of space you are. I know that as your mother I'm supposed to love you no matter what but seeing as you've gone and fornicated with a Mudblood ( an ugly one, according to your father's ramblings ) I feel that I should come down the school and inspect this hussy for myself. If I kill her, and you, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.  
Love Mummy  
P.S Don't forget to wash your hair, brush your teeth, change your underwear etc  
  
Draco lay his head down on the table.  
  
''Draco, you're lying in milk,''said Goyle.  
  
''I know.''  
  
''But Dracp, you're - ''  
  
''I know.''  
  
Draco lay there for a long time. After a while he decided that he'd better go tell Hermione the bad news.  
  
The moment he arrived at the Gryffindor table he was bombarded with people flicking bits of food at him. He wasn't in the mood for this today, and promptly turned Seamus Finnigan into a small crab.  
  
Hermione looked up at Draco. She looked rather queasy . . . morning sickness no doubt.  
  
''Draco, you're covered in milk,''she said.  
  
''I know.''  
  
''But you're dripping with - ''  
  
''I *know*.''  
  
''Oh.''  
  
Draco handed Hermione the letter, which she quickly read. ''Oh bloody hell . . .'' she muttered. ''When did you get this?''  
  
''Just now,''said Draco. ''An owl landed in my cereal, hence all the milk.''  
  
''I really don't think I'll be able to put up with your sodding mother here, glaring at me all day,''said Hermione.  
  
''Don't worry,''said Draco. ''She's far more likely to kill me. After all, most murders are commited by someone in the family.''  
  
''Oh, well that's good to know,''said Hermione, sarcastically.  
  
''Isn't it just,''muttered Draco to himself.  
  
Draco noticed at that moment that Harry and Ron were getting ready to launch a bowl of porridge at him. He turned to look at them with an expression normally reserved for the faces of serial killers.  
  
''I swear, you throw that at me,''said Draco dangerously. ''I'll staple your balls to your legs and make you run.''  
  
Harry and Ron put the bowl down and turned around quietly.  
  
Seamus Finnigan ( still in his crab form ) took this oppurtunity to pinch Draco's ankle with his claws. Draco gave a yell of pain and booted Seamus to the other side of the Great Hall with the cry, ''Do that again and I'll bloody stamp on you, you little shit!''  
  
Hermione sighed. The stress was clearly getting to Draco and now that his mother was coming to visit she was beginning to understand his pain.  
  
Oh well . . . at least she wasn't blond and looked like a ferret. Shaking her head, she turned back to her breakfast, trying to ignore Draco chasing Seamus round the hall, attempting to stamp on him.  
  
''Die crab-like motherfucker dieeeeeee!''  
  
Hermione stared at her food.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 7 up soon. Thanks for the reviews everyone!  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	7. Always think with your cock, the Malfoy ...

Disclaimer : I own nothing blah blah blah  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
Chapter 7 : Always think with your cock - the Mafoy ethos  
  
Narcissa Malfoy turned up the very next day, much to everyone's dissapointment. She'd dragged along Lucius, who wasn't looking particularly excited to be there. Narcissa also appeared to be drinking a lot.   
  
Even stranger was the fact that Lucius appeared to be sober.  
  
Hermione turned petrified when she saw Draco's parents - one was bad enough, but both of them . . . well . . . let's just say that at that moment, suicide lost it's sting forever.  
  
Narcissa glared at Hermione. ''So . . .''she said, trying to form a sentance in her drunken state. She pointed a manicured finger at Hermione and started to babble incoherantely. Lucius didn't bother to restrain her, but started whistling, pretending he wasn't there.  
  
''You . . you . . you're pregnant,''said Narcissa.  
  
''Well done, Mother,''said Draco nastily. ''Thank you for pointing out the obvious.''  
  
''Shaaaddap you!''Narcissa rounded on Draco. ''It's your fault, you whiny little brat! Just like your father . . . always thinking with your cock!''  
  
''I'll be glad to tell you, good lady,''said Lucius coldly. ''That I don't think with my cock.''  
  
''Explain this little mistake then!''she bellowed, pointing at Draco with distaste.  
  
''Oh, that was just a one-off,''said Lucius dismissivly.  
  
Draco didn't seem to appreciate this at all.  
  
''You know your father, Draco?''said Narcissa, in full rant-mode.  
  
''Not personally,''replied Draco.  
  
''You do know that he's been shagging the maids ever since we got married??''  
  
Lucius went back to whistling and twiddling his thumbs.  
  
Narcissa contined to rant. ''And he's always drinking and there are always funny explosions from below the house and there's always someone burying a rolled-up carpet in the back garden.'' Narcissa swayed a little. Obviously the whiskey was really starting to kick in. ''And he never wants to shag anymore.''  
  
Draco took this oppurtunity to be very violantly sick into a small plant. Hermione felt that if his mother kept on talking in this vein that she'd be joining him.  
  
Lucius gave a sigh and lit a cigar. ''Narcissa, do shut up,''he said cooly.  
  
Narcissa gave a little anguished cry and stumbled away to be alone / be sick.  
  
Lucius turned to his son with an almost worried expression. ''Your mother, Draco . .''he said. ''It's like having a large and slobbery dog . . you don't particularly want to touch it, but you feel a certain cringy concern for it when it's unwell.''  
  
''Oh,''said Draco.  
  
''I suppose I should go and make sure she doesn't choke on her own vomit,''said Lucius lazily. He took a couple of deep drags from his cigar, twiddled his thumbs a little, whistled some more, made forced conversation about the weather until he reluctantly headed off to make sure his wife hadn't died of alcohol poisoning.  
  
Draco blinked and turned to Hermione, looking apolegetic. ''If only we could say that was the weirdest thing we'd ever seen, eh?''he said wistfully.  
  
Hermione nodded. ''Let's go and get some pie,''she said.  
  
''Yeah, why not,''said Draco. ''I could do with some pie.''  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After Narcissa had sobered up, and washed the vom out of her hair and after Lucius had cleaned yet more vom off his shoes, Draco and Heriome were summoned to speak to the two of them again.   
  
''Right then,''said Narcissa, coldly. ''About this child . . '' She said the word ''child'' like she was talking about Lucius, with deep resentment in her voice.  
  
Draco started imagining his ''happy place''.  
  
''You're going to have to give it up for adoption of course,''Narcissa continued. ''I will not have some half-breed bastard child in my family.''  
  
Hermione went red with anger.  
  
''I can't have my son being known as 'the Malfoy who shags Mudbloods' now can I?'' Narcissa gave Hermione a hard, cruel smile. ''We have a certain lifestyle.''  
  
Hermione nearly exploded at this point and Draco decided to move his chair a little further away from her.  
  
''Who the fuck do you think you are, you pompous, arrogant, peroxide-blonde bitch???''Hermione roared. ''A certain fucking lifestyle?? What?? You mean the lifestyle where your stuck in a loveless marriage where your husband fucks around with the maids?? Where you get pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner and throw up over yourself?? What in the hell kind of lifestyle is that??''  
  
Narcissa's eyes flashed dangerously. ''I don't think you know who you're talking to, young lady,''she said.  
  
''Yes, I sodding well do,''Hermione snarled. ''I'm talking to an ugly bitch with no life outside of a whiskey bottle. And one more thing - this is my baby, not just your bloody son's, and I'll decide what to do with it - not you. Now, why don't you fuck off and get roaring drunk again, because we all know how much you fucking well love that!''  
  
Narcissa got up to leave, looking at Hermione with the deepest hatred she could muster.  
  
''And your arse is far to fat for that skirt!''Hermione yelled after her.  
  
Lucius stood up and went to leave. Then, as he reached the door, he gave Hermione and big thumbs-up and a grin and left.  
  
Draco was looking at Hermione with shock and awe.  
  
''Crikey,''he said.  
  
Hermione sat down, tired after her little outburst.  
  
''That was . . .the coolest thing I've ever seen since my dad fell over the cat once,''said Draco, totally in awe.  
  
''I never want to meet that woman again,''said Hermione. She got up again. ''And now,''she said. ''I think I'll get myself another piece of pie.''  
  
''And I,''said Draco. ''In true Malfoy fashion, shall think with my cock and follow you.''  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 8 will be up in afew days I guess. Sorry this chapter was so short. I'm working for exams you see, so it might be a while. Thanks for the reviews everyone! :-)  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	8. Voldemort has a giggle at Draco's expens...

Disclaimer : I own Harry Potter or anything of that persuasion . . . whatever that means . . .   
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
Chapter 8 :   
  
Ever since the little event with Narcissa Malfoy, Draco stopped getting hate-mail off his father. In fact, he stopped getting mail altogether. He had Hermione, who was about nine months pregnant now, to thank for this. Since then, he had been slightly more civil to her and had fewer screaming fits.  
  
Of course, he still had the screaming fits.  
  
Actually, he was starting to quite enjoy them. He wasn't quite sure why.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Voldemort was sitting in his dark manor in the deep depths of somewhere, when his brand spanking new mobile phone rang. Overjoyed that someone had rung him, he flipped the lid on it and adopted a silly, macho accent.  
  
''Talk to me,''he said.  
  
''Um . . .master . . .um . . . I have news, sir.''  
  
The Dark Lord inwardly groaned. It was Wormtail.  
  
''What the bloody hell do you want?''he said nastily.  
  
''It's about Lucius Malfoy,''said Wormtail. ''I have news that might amuse you.''  
  
''Wormtail, the only thing that would amuse me would be you falling down a deep and dark well, never to return.''  
  
Wormtail pretended not to feel hurt.  
  
''It's about Lucius Malfoy's son, my lord,''he simpered. ''Young Draco Malfoy, who was meant to be joining our forces next year has botched up his chances, oh spiteful one.''  
  
''And how has the little imbecile managed to do this?''said Voldemort lazily. ''Not that I care particularly.''  
  
''Lucius's son has gotten a Mudblood girl pregnant, sir,''Wormtail continued. ''She's due to give birth to a half-blood child any day now.''  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
Which was followed swiftly by very loud laughter.  
  
Wormtail listened on the other side of the phone, a very confused expression on his rat-like face. It really was beyond him why the ultimate Lord of Evil owned a mobile phone. Presumably he wanted to look cool or something.  
  
''Lord? My Lord?''Wormtail said after three and a half minutes of laughter from Voldemort.  
  
''PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . .oh . . . I haven't laughed this hard in ages . . . Lucius Malfoy's son . . .the thought's just too . . . HOOHAHAHOOOAHAHAHAHA . . . typical of a child of Lucius . . .blond pansy . . .heehhehhhheeeehhoooHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . . I am going to rip the piss out of that man so much at the next Death Eaters Meeting . . .MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAheeheeheepffffffHAHAHAHA!!!''  
  
It went on like this for a while, until Voldemort abruptly stopped laughing.  
  
There was an awkward silence.  
  
''Oh . . .um . . . oh dear . . . I seem to have soiled myself,'' Voldemort said. ''I'd better tuck my trousers into my socks. Um . .ciao Wormtail.''   
  
Wormtail cringed. Now there was a mental image he could have done without. He sighed as he turned off his phone. It was times like this he wished he'd been a window cleaner or something . . .  
  
In his dark manor in the deep depths of somewhere, Voldemort started giggling again, despite a dampness running down his leg.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Draco was lying on his bed, when a strange feeling came over him.  
  
''Why do I get the feeling that somewhere, someone's laughing at me?''  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 9 up very soon. In the next chapter Hermione will probably go into labour . . .ye gods . . the horror . .   
Thanks for reviews!  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	9. The baby finally arrives, much to Draco'...

Dsiclaimer : I own nothing blah blah blah  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
Chapter 9 : The baby finally turns up, much to Draco's pant-wetting terror  
  
Hermione and Draco were sitting in the library. Hermione was reading a book about advanced potions, or something equally dull, as was her way.  
  
''Ow.''  
  
Draco looked up from his book, which was entitled ''1001 Ways To Commit Suicide''.  
  
''What's the matter with you now?''he said, an eyebrow raised.  
  
''Oww . . .'' Hermione clutched her stomach and gave a groan of pain.  
  
Draco paled. He knew what was happening and he was very close to wetting his pants with the horror of it all.  
  
Hermione gave a shriek as her waters broke. Draco was sick.  
  
''Draco! The baby's coming!''she wailed.  
  
''And I am leaving conciousness right about now,''said Draco, who promptly passed out moments later and fell off his chair with a thump.  
  
Hermione looked at Draco with an expression of complete disgust and bewilderment. In her annoyance, she kicked him in the kidneys and made for the hills ( not literally, as there are few hills inside Hogwarts, so I imagine ).  
  
To her profound sense of bad luck, the halls were more or less deserted. She gave another wail of pain and slumped against the wall, inwardly cursing sex, men, babies and everything to do with those things. Then, she saw a flash of red hair and gave a manic grin.  
  
It was Ron's turn to have bad luck now. He saw the heavily pregnant Hermione lurch towards him, in a way that was strangely remincant of a sea-lion. He opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He tried to run, but managed to fall arse over tit on to the floor. Hermione slumped down next to him and started shrieking.  
  
''Oh my god . . .Ron . . .I'm having a baby . . .''she wailed.  
  
''You only just noticed?''said Ron, who still had a look of wild terror in his eyes. ''What do you want me to do about it??''  
  
''I need you to help me!''cried Hermione. ''Draco's passed out in the library, and he's no good to me there.''  
  
''He's no good to anybody, anywhere, at any time,''pointed out Ron.  
  
Hermione shook Ron roughly. ''Help me, you pointless ginger freak!!''she screamed. ''I'm in pain dammit!!!''  
  
Ron gave a loud and girlish scream, then covered his face with his hands. ''Stop shouting at me! You're fat and pregnant and it's scaring me, ok??''  
  
In normal circumstances, Hermione would have battered Ron within an inch of his life, but these were not normal circumstances.  
  
Ron managed to overcome his fear of messy pregnancies and help Hermione to the ward, where Madam Pomfrey set to work. Hermione was still shrieking like a banshee and was doing so in such a way that she had done to Ron what a million Metallica concerts had done to stupid metalheads who don't bring cotton wool with them.  
  
''Ooooooh this is painfullllllll . . .''Hermione moaned.   
  
''Well, it's going to take a while,''said Madam Pomfrey. ''So you may as well try and relax for the meantime.''  
  
Hermione gave Madam Pomfrey a look that said ''I hope you explode''.  
  
''How the hell do you expect me to relax when something the size of a melon is trying to get out of a hole the size of a kiwi??''Hermione spat.  
  
Madam Pomfrey said nothing to Hermione, but turned to Ron instead. ''Do you think you could go and get the father in here? And maybe some more emotional support for Hermione . . . or maybe me?''  
  
Ron nodded and left. He looked very pleased to be away from all this yucky baby-business. He found Draco wandering the halls looking dumbfounded and horrified beyond compare.  
  
''Um . . Draco, you should probably come with me,''said Ron. ''Seeing as Hermione's giving birth and everything . . .''  
  
Draco gave a little wail and walked headfirst into a wall after losing his sense of direction. ''Merghh . . .''he mumbled.  
  
For a moment Ron thought that Draco was drunk, until he realised that Draco was actually too petrified right now to do anything right.   
  
Draco started to twitch.  
  
Ron knew what was coming next. Draco started to scream. Ah-ha - the screaming fit had arrived right on schedule.  
  
''Draco, this is no time to be screaming like a girl. My eardrums are already damaged enough thanks to bloody Hermione, and the last thing I need it you nancying about squealing like a stuck pig.''  
  
''I DON'T WANT TO HAVE KIDS!!!!'' Draco bawled.  
  
Ron had no pity for him right now. ''Well, that's just tough shite, isn't it? You should've thought of that before you had sex.''  
  
''But I couldn't think!''sobbed Draco. ''I was drunk . . . I was so drunk I was shocked that my Little Major actually worked . . '' He continued to rant and bawl in this vein for a good ten minutes, before Crabbe and Goyle came along.  
  
''Has the whale come back?''asked Goyle, looking around warily.  
  
Ron gave a deep sigh. ''No,''he said. ''Hermione's having a baby.''  
  
''Wow,''said Crabbe. He sat down next to Draco, who was beating his fists against the cold, stone floor. ''How you feeling, Draco?''  
  
Draco gave an anguished cry and turned Crabbe into a piece of smelly German cheese.   
  
''With any luck a starving rat will eat him,''muttered Draco evilly. ''Although imagining how Crabbe must taste, it would have to be pretty close to death to sink that low.''  
  
Ron looked at Draco blankly. ''Are you stoned or something??''he cried. ''Hermione's having your baby in there! Bloody hell! No wonder your parents hate you, you pointless waste of skin!''  
  
Draco started to cry again. ''I wish everyone would stop calling me pointless!!''he wailed.  
  
''You are pointless,''said Ron nastily. ''Now, get to the hospital ward now. Don't make me kick you.''  
  
''But I don't want to . . .'' Draco said, lamely.  
  
Ron gave Draco a sly kick in the ribs.   
  
''Ooofff . ..''winced Draco, winded. ''Fine . . . I'll bloody well go . . .''  
  
And then he limped relucantely down the corridor, following the screams that would lead him to Hermione.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Draco minced inside the hospital wing, to see Hermione screaming in pain. He turned around again, ready to run like the wind. Unfortunately it was too late - Hermione had seen him. He was fucked.  
  
''I recommend you get here right now,''said Hermione, her voice as cold as liquid nitrogen.  
  
''Is it really necessary?''said Draco, squirming.  
  
Hermione gave Draco a look that could have melted cheese, and Draco sidled up to her.  
  
''So,''he said, trying his best to be nice. ''How are you feeling, Hermione, old buddy, old pal?''  
  
Hermione gave a load roar and Draco squealed like a girl. She smashed a small vase over his head and Draco screamed some more.  
  
''You crazy bitch!''Draco wailed. ''What the hell was that for?? I was trying to be nice, for Christ's sake!''  
  
Hermione gave a terrifying roar that meant ''Leave before I castrate you''. Draco made a little petrifed noise that can only be described as ''meep'' and left sharpish. He headed out into the corridor and gave a deep rattling sigh.  
  
Harry turned up then. ''What's happening??''he cried. ''Has Hermione had the baby yet?''  
  
Draco gave Harry a funny look. ''Yes, that's why I'm sitting out here by myself,''he said, sarcastically.  
  
''Oh, cool,''said Harry. He went to walk into the ward.  
  
''Not really, you imbecile,''said Draco, exasperatedly.  
  
Harry stopped in his tracks. ''Oh,''he said. He took out his wand and conjured a chair in mid-air.  
  
''Can I have a chair?''asked Draco.   
  
Harry couldn't be bothered to argue and let him have one. They both slumped down onto they're respective chairs and stared blankly at the walls, trying they're best to block out the sounds of Hermione's cursings. Draco was doing particularly well at this part, as he had stuck his fingers in his ears whilst humming loudly to himself.  
  
Harry looked over at Draco, deeply confused. ''You do realise that you're going to have to take your fingers out of your ears sooner or later,''he said.  
  
''LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA!!!''  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow. ''Fine, be that way,''he said.  
  
Harry flicked his wand and a pile of magazines appeared. He gave a sigh and opened the first one, reading an article on laxatives. It wasn't particularly interesting . . . actually it was quite disturbing, but anything was better than watching Draco slip into dementia.  
  
Hermione gave another scream. ''ARGGGHHHHHHHHH I HATE YOU DRACO MALFOY!!!!!!!!''  
  
Harry winced and turned to see Draco's reaction. He had taken to beating his head against a wall, a vacant expression in his eyes. Harry thought momentraily about making him feel better and reassuring him that everything would be alright, but he was actually quite enjoying Draco batter himself, so he thought it best to just leave him to it. With a sly giggle, Harry went back to the laxative article.  
  
Suddenly Ron appeared. He gave Draco a strange look.  
  
''Draco, you do know that you're beating your head against a wall?''  
  
''I know.''  
  
''But you're beating - ''  
  
''I *know*.''  
  
Ron decided to ignore Draco, as he was being weird again. He turned to Harry.  
  
''How's Hermione doing?''he said.  
  
Harry didn't even look up from his magazine. ''She's as happy as Draco is,''he said.  
  
Ron blinked. ''Oh,''he said. He left it at that.  
  
Suddenly, for no other reason than the author thinks he's cool, Sirius Black popped out of nowhere.  
  
''Wow! Sirius!''cried Harry, happily. ''What are you doing here?''  
  
Sirius looked around, a very confused expression on his face. ''I honestly have no idea,''he said. ''One minute I was in my cave, happy as Larry, and then I was here.''  
  
''Did you apparate?''said Ron.  
  
''You can't apparate in Hogwarts, silly ginger person,''said Sirius. ''I just . . . turned up.''  
  
''Oh,''said Harry.  
  
''Well, now that I'm here,''said Sirius. ''I suppose I could try and offer Draco some advice.''  
  
''And I suppose I could offer you a broom up your arse,''said Draco viciously.  
  
Sirius backed away. ''He's nervous,''he whispered to Harry and Ron. Sirius rubbed his hands together. ''Well, seeing as we're all here, why don't we order a curry to pass the time?''  
  
Ron started drooling and Harry moved slightly away. Draco continued to bang his head against the wall.  
  
''That's a yes then!''  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Next chapter should be up in the next few days. I'm on study leave now so I have some extra time on my hands. Thanks for reviews!  
Luv Lux  
xox 


	10. Draco gets on everyone's bad side

Disclaimer : I own nothing!! Nothing, dammit!  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
  
Chapter 10 : Draco gets on everyone's bad side  
  
Sirius had happily ordered himself, Ron, Harry and Draco an overlarge curry. Ron had gorged himself silly with it as had Sirius. Harry had picked at it, still absorbed in addictive crappy magazines. Draco had tried to choke himself with it, but had given up and eaten it instead.   
  
Soon after he had been rather unceremoniously sick.  
  
''Nerves is it?''said Sirius helpfully.  
  
Draco gave an anguished wail. ''How can this be happening to me??''he sobbed. ''I'm too young for all this! This is just . . . wrong!''  
  
Ron gave an annoyed sigh. ''Will you stop complaining for five minutes?''he said. ''If anyone should be whining then it should be Hermione, not you, you arse-faced weasel.''  
  
''I have not got a face like an arse!''Draco cried.  
  
''Yes you have,''said Ron. ''And you're skinny and weird and blond!''  
  
''Well, at least I don't have to dance for pennies to feed my family, Weasley,''spat Draco nastily.  
  
Ron went red. ''Don't start, Malfoy . . ''he said dangerously.  
  
Draco was over the moon at having someone he could finally take his distress out on.  
  
''Really Weasley? Don't start you say? I've already started, so tough shit!''  
  
Harry rolled his eye, not bothering to get involved. Sirius watched with a vague interest.  
  
''Tell me, Weasley, did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? Oh . .wait . . I forgot - you don't have a proper home, do you? You live in a mud hut, don't you?''  
  
Ron was going scarlet at this point. ''I'm warning you, Malfoy . .''he said.  
  
''It must be awful being as poor as you,''continued Draco. ''I mean . . .the last time you had a hot meal was when your little sister threw up, wasn't it? And your mother - dear lord! Now there's something that should be donated to scientific research! Actually . . .now that I think about it, are you parents brother and sister? I would explain an awful lot - ''  
  
Ron gave a cry of fury and launched himself at Draco. The two of them grappled feebly on the floor for a while. Sirius didn't bother helping, as he found the whole thing rather funny and Harry barely noticed.  
  
''STOP TALKING ABOUT MY FAMILY!!!!''  
  
''WEASLEY'S A BUM! WEASLEY'S A GYPSY! WEASLEY DANCES FOR PENNIES!''  
  
Crash. Bang. Wallop.  
  
Sirius giggled then said, ''Come on now, break it up.''  
  
He was completely ignored and took one of Harry's magazines, flicking through the pages idly.  
  
After a while, Draco and Ron just couldn't be bothered to fight anymore and went to sit down. They decided just to glare at eachother and pull faces.   
  
The hours dragged by and the baby still wasn't making any apperances. Things had gotten so tragically boring that Ron had started to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with himself. Harry had fallen asleep and was now drooling over himself, Sirius had been teaching himself how to ballroom dance and Draco had beaten his head against the wall until he had finally passed out.  
  
''My god, this is boring,''moaned Ron.  
  
Harry woke startled from his sleep and wiped the river of drool off his face. ''I second you on that,''he said.  
  
''Is Draco still passed out?''said Ron.  
  
''Who cares?''said Harry.  
  
Sirius gave a yawn. ''God, Harry,''he said. ''Even your birth was more exciting than this. Your father was a wreak and Remus was drunk and your mother hated everyone. It was quite funny. The plus was that we weren't waiting for thousands of years to come out, like this one.'' He threw a contemptous look at the passed out Draco. ''Trust a Malfoy to be late.''  
  
''Don't blame the baby,''said Harry fairly. ''It's clearly Draco's fault.''  
  
Everyone nodded in agreement.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
About three hours later, Draco woke up. He had a bruise on his head the size of an orange, and didn't look very pleased with life.  
  
''Has the baby arrived yet?''he said, grumpily.  
  
Sirius gave him a long glare. ''If it had, do you really think that we'd still be out here with you? For god's sake, Draco. I mean, I don't even want to be with you now, let alone later.''  
  
Draco felt a little depressed and sat down on his chair. ''Bugger off, you pointless peasant,''he said.  
  
Sirius scowled darkly. ''What did you just say?''he said, stung to hostility.  
  
''I said you were a pointless peasant,''said Draco, nastily.   
  
Sirius was seriously thinking about throwing Draco out of the nearest window. ''Bear in mind, Malfoy, that I'm bigger than you and could quite easily break your legs.''  
  
Draco gave a mean laugh. ''Oh, now I'm scared! Big tough Sirius Black who couldn't even kill Peter Pettigrew!''  
  
A protracted silence fell over everyone.   
  
''How do you know about that?''  
  
Draco blinked. ''I can honestly say that I have not a bloody clue,''he said. After this short spell of confusion he reverted back to being obnoxious again. ''Tell me, Sirius, how long has it been since you had sex?''  
  
Sirius blushed. ''I'm not going to answer that question,''he said, pouting.  
  
''Come on, how many years has it been? You can tell us - we won't laugh too hard.''  
  
Harry shuddered. ''Please, Draco - I don't want to hear about my godfather's sex life.''  
  
''Course you do!''said Draco, grinning evilly.  
  
''No, really. I don't.''  
  
Naturally, what Harry wanted was spectacularly ignored and Draco kept his attention focussed on mocking Sirius, who was in a profoundly bad mood at this point.  
  
''I'm not telling you about my sex life, Malfoy,''he said.  
  
''Yeah, it's hard to talk about a sex life when you havent't got one,''mused Draco.  
  
''Piss off,''said Sirius.  
  
''Cobweb cock.''  
  
''Ferret-arse.''  
  
''Impotent tramp.''  
  
''Teenage father.''  
  
Draco burst into tears. ''SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!''  
  
Sirius looked rather pleased with himself. Draco was bawling like a child. Harry still wasn't noticing and neither was Ron. Both of them were beyond caring at this point.  
  
Suddenly there was a baby's cry.  
  
Everyone stopped what they were doing.  
  
Draco was sick.  
  
Harry and Ron passed out.  
  
Sirius folded his paper. ''Thank fuck for that!''he exclaimed.  
  
Madam Pomfrey came out into the hallway. She eyed them all, an eyebrow raised at Draco who was throwing up his guts into a particularly unlucky plant.  
  
''Um . . . Mr Malfoy,''she said, glaring. ''Once you're done regurgitating curry into that plant, you should come and see your child.''  
  
Draco stood up shakily. ''Oh god . . .''he whispered, his eyes blank. ''My life just flashed before your eyes . . .my youth, gone forever . . ''  
  
Sirius threw his folded paper at Draco's head. The paper jabbed him in the eye. ''Bloody hell,''snapped Sirius. ''Be a man, Malfoy. It's a baby - not radioactive waste.''  
  
''That's easy for you to say,''said Draco.  
  
Draco followed Madam Pomfrey into the hospital wing to see a very tired looking Hermione holding a small bundle in her arms and cooing lovingly at it.   
  
Draco could feel the bile rising in his throat again.  
  
''It's a boy, Draco,''said Hermione, happily. Draco felt unnerved. Hermione had never actually smiled at him before and it scared him.  
  
''Um . . . good?''  
  
''Do you want to hold him?''said Hermione, still beaming in a way that terrified Draco.  
  
''Um . . .ok,''said Draco, feeling disturbed. Hermione handed the tiny newborn to Draco. He held his son awkwardly in his arms. With his eyes half-closed with something like fear, he took his first proper look at his son.  
  
It was a strange feeling. His heart felt like it had stopped. The baby looked so much like him - blond hair and grey eyes. The resemblence was uncanny. But all Draco could really think of was how much he really loved this tiny creature and how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt him. He was scared but elated. His son. His flesh and blood. A new Malfoy.  
  
''Alright?''he said softly to the baby. ''I'm . . . um . . . I suppose you can call me dad.''  
  
Hermione smiled at him and held out her arms to take the baby back. Draco reluctantely handed they're son to her and watched Hermione. She held they're son with such assurance. She'd raise him well, no doubt.  
  
''Thought of any names?''said Draco.   
  
Hemione paused for a moment then looked back to the baby. ''How about Jude?''she said.  
  
Draco wrinkled his nose. ''Jude?''he said skeptically. ''How about no?''  
  
Hermione scowled. ''Fine then smart-arse,''she said. ''You think of one.''  
  
Draco pondered for a while before a smile appeared on his face. ''How about Stephan?''he said.  
  
Hermione looked down at her son. ''It suits him,''she said. ''Stephan Malfoy . . .''  
  
''I suppose the other idiots will want to see him now?''said Draco sulkily.   
  
''Well, yes, of course,''said Hermione.  
  
Draco groaned. ''Can't we just send them a bloody polaroid?''  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I don't know when the next chapter will be up, because I'm doing my GCSE's at the moment ( sulk ) but it will turn up in the end. Thanks for all the reviews! :-) They make me happyyyyyyy!  
  
Luv Lux  
  
xox 


	11. Sirius tries too hard and Draco gets sui...

Disclaimer : I own nothing. Also, a wank is masturbating (how nice . .), curry is Indian food, and to all you people that think this is out of character - WELL FUCKING DUH!! Do you honestly think this would really happen?? It's a sodding parody, you imbeciles. Of course it isn't going to make sense. And let me explain this slowly for the real morons - THEY SAY STUPID THINGS BECAUSE IT'S A HUMOUR FIC.  
  
God . .some people . .  
  
And another thing, I AM SO SORRY TO THE PEOPLE THAT READ THIS BEFORE I CHANGED IT. I WASN'T THINKING. I'M SOOOOOO SORRY!!!!!!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO WREAK THE BOOK.  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
  
Chapter 11 : Sirius tries too hard and Draco gets suicidal again  
  
Harry, Ron and Sirius galumphed their way into the ward, giggling and getting far to over excited.   
  
Draco took this oppurtunity to glare at them with ever-growing contempt.  
  
"Ooooh it's a babyyyy!!" Ron squealed, clapping his hands and jumping up and down like a ginger jack-in-the-box.  
  
Draco rolled his eyes. "Oh do calm down, Weasley,"he drawled. "I'm sure you've seen enough babies in your time, since your parents can't afford contraception and babies are your only source of food these days."  
  
Ron chose to ignore this, as he was currently wetting himself over Hermione's baby.  
  
"Oh Herm, he's so lovely!" cried Ron. He shot a particularly nasty look at Draco. "You wouldn't think he was Draco's, would you?"  
  
Draco took on a very unimpressed expression and sulked.  
  
Sirius strided up next to Stephan and grinned. "Oh, I was brilliant with babies back in my day,"he said. "You should have seen me with Harry - you would've thought I was his dad!"  
  
"I feel a life-changing revalation coming on,"muttered Draco.  
  
"Shut it, you little inbred,"snapped Sirius. "I *am* good with babies."  
  
"Stop lying to make friends,"said Draco.  
  
"Hermione, am I allowed to throw something at Draco?"said Sirius.  
  
"By all means,"said Hermione, who was still absorbed in the baby.  
  
Sirius picked up a small nearby clock and belted it at Draco with worrying force. Draco didn't see it coming and was knocked to the ground.  
  
"You could've poked somebodys eye out with that!"Draco raged, nursing the big fat bruise that was forming above his eye.  
  
"No,"corrected Sirius. "I could've poked *your* eye out with it, and it would've been really funny."  
  
Draco glared. "Piss off, cobweb cock,"he hissed.  
  
Hermione threw an extremely dark look at Draco. "Mind your language infront of the baby, before I come over there and batter you."  
  
Draco chose to pout like a little girl, highly irritated by the way the world was against him.  
  
"So what's the little guy's name?"said Harry. He gave a little cough, trying to be inconspicuous. "And who's the godfather going to be?"  
  
"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!"cried Sirius, practically exploding with enthusiasm. "Everyone likes me to be a godfather! Oh go on, you know you want to!"   
  
Sirius flashed his prettiest smile and nearly everyone swooned, including Draco.  
  
"I swear I didn't swoon,"said Draco quickly as he got to his feet. "My head hurt and I felt the need to fall down."  
  
Sirius looked smug. "Yeah yeah,"he said. "That's what they all say."  
  
"Shut up,"said Draco.  
  
"You see, Draco, there are two kinds of men in this world,"continued Sirius, preening. "Gay men, and men who have never met me."  
  
"I wish I was the second type,"muttered Draco.  
  
Hermione handed Ron Steffan and Ron proceeded to make a plethora of stupid noises.  
  
Draco raised an eyebrow. "I'd rather you didn't get too close to my child,"he said. "He might contract that terrible disease you have."  
  
"They're called FRECKLES ok??"wailed Ron, hurt. "And they're nothing to be ashamed of."  
  
"Is that what your mother tells you, Weasley?"leered Draco nastily. "Because she's only saying that to be nice, you know."  
  
Ron handed the baby quickly to Harry, so he could run off and cry.  
  
Draco giggled spitefully to himself as Ron ran from the ward wailing at the top of his voice "I'M SPECIAL! FRECKLES ARE SPECIAL!!"  
  
Harry cooed at the baby for a little while, before Sirius snatched him and started showing off with how good he was with kids.  
  
"Look, Hermione,"said Sirius, beaming. "See how good I am with Stephan?? See?? Look! He loves me! I should be the godfather! I rule!"  
  
Harry scowled. "Don't be such a baby-hogger, Sirius,"he said, taking Stephan back.  
  
Sirius folded his arms and sat in a corner all by himself to sulk.  
  
Suddenly, an owl turned up out of nowhere and smacked Sirius on the side of the head, causing him to fall rather unceremoniously off his chair. Draco gave a hoot of delight at the sight of it.  
  
Sirius gave the owl and irritated swipe, whereupon the owl bit him, causing Draco yet more mirth. Sirius took the letter attached to the owl, then gave the owl a particularly hard thwak with it.  
  
He peered at the letter and a smirk appeared on that extremely pretty face of his. He directed his evil grin at Draco.  
  
"A letter from your dear old dad,"he said.  
  
Draco blanched, the laughter leaving his face outstandingly fast. He had to sit down.  
  
"Oh bloody hell . . ."he muttered to himself.  
  
Sirius threw the letter at Draco, who caught it. Draco opened the letter and gave a deep and despairing groan.  
  
Hermione looked up and saw Draco's horrified expression.   
  
"Tell me your insane parents aren't coming to see the baby . ."she said dangerously.  
  
"I really wish I could,"said Draco, still white. "Unfortunately, I can't and now I'm going to go and kill myself."  
  
"Can I watch?"said Harry gleefully.  
  
Draco thought about it. "Hmm . . let me think . . how about . . . NO."  
  
Harry looked depressed at this and turned back to Hermione who was looking deeply unimpressed.  
  
"Sirius, could you go and talk Draco out of suicide please?"said Hermione sweetly.  
  
"Have you thought this through?"said Sirius. "I mean, do you really want him to live?"  
  
Hermione nodded, but not after pondering Sirius's words for a moment.  
  
"If you really insist,"sighed Sirius, as he made his way after the highly-depressed Draco.  
  
Hermione looked at Harry. "Well . ."she said darkly. "Another fun visit from the Malfoys . .how lucky am I?"  
  
Harry sighed and put his arm around her. "I would offer some words of consolation,"he said. "But it's the Malfoys . . and no amount of consolation is going to help. I'll just try and set Sirius on them when they arrive."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I'm SO SORRY that this chapter has taken ages to do. My computer is being an idiot, so I have to update on my laptop, which is a pain in the arse.  
  
I doubt the next chapter should take more than a week, seeing as I've left school now. WOOHOO! Thanks for reviews!  
  
Luv Lux 


	12. Meet the parents Again Oh the joy!

Disclaimer : I own nothing, and thanks to the people who stuck up for me when people were whining about people being OOC. Also, to the person who doesn't like Draco being suicidal, it's only a joke. I find the idea of Draco mincing off to the lake quite amusing really. Sorry, but it's my fic and I'll contort whoever I want muahahahahaha!  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
  
Chapter 12 : Meet the parents. Again. Oh the joy!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sirius trailed after Draco in a very unenthusiastic way. He didn't really mind if Draco threw himself into the lake, but Hermione had stated that she'd prefer Draco alive, rather than dead.  
  
Sirius couldn't really understand her logic, but decided not to dwell on it too much.  
  
Draco sat by the edge of the lake, staring into the water looking throughly depressed, until suddenly a tentacle launched itself out of the water and pulled Draco in roughly.  
  
Draco gave a girlish squeal and waved his arms about.  
  
"Sirius! You baboon's arse! HELP ME!"he wailed.  
  
Sirius, rather pissed off at being referred to as a "baboon's arse", decided to watch Draco being thrown about by the Giant Squid, a sated smile on his face.  
  
He examined his nails, deliberately ignoring Draco's pleads for help and womanly screams.   
  
"SIII- RIIII-UUUUUUUS!!!"Draco screamed. "HEEEEEEELPP! THIS IS GETTING REEEALLLYYY PAINFULLLLL!!!"  
  
"What's that you say, Draco? I'm beautiful beyond compare? Oh, I bet you say that to all the boys! Alright, you big flatterer. You've twisted my arm! I'll save you."  
  
As Sirius was saying this, Draco's face adopted a highly unimpressed expression, despite the large amount of pain he was in.  
  
Sirius gave a strange whistle and the squid dropped Draco like a sack of potatoes.  
  
"Oof,"said Draco as he hit the ground.  
  
Sirius sat Draco up and brushed some pondweed off his face.  
  
"So,"he said. "Are you going to be a man and face your really weird parents, or are you going to be a big girl's blouse and try and drown yourself again."  
  
With as much dignity as he could muster whilst covered in pondweed and soaking wet, Draco stood up and headed back to the lake.  
  
Sirius grabbed him by the legs and shouted, "Ooooh no you don't."  
  
Draco kicked and screamed like a girl as Sirius threw him over his shoulder and carried him back into Hogwarts.  
  
"HATE YOOOOOOOO! HATE WORLD! HATE EVERYTHING!"Draco raged.  
  
Sirius gave Draco a little thwak on the forehead.  
  
"Shut up,"he said.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After Draco had composed himself, and picked all the alge off his head, he fell into a deep sleep, as did everyone else, seeing as the birth had taken a lot out of them.  
  
Draco was awoken the next day by someone hitting him pretty viciously with a newspaper. He couldn't be arsed to stop them and went back to sleep.  
  
When the person started hitting him with a shoe was more or less when Draco decided now was the time to get up.  
  
"Whoever is doing that had better stop before I castrate them,"said Draco sleepily.  
  
"Oh really?"came a nasty sounding drawl.  
  
Draco gave yet another poncey scream, jumped up from his bed and hid behind the curtains.  
  
"Dad???"he yelped. "What are you doing here??"  
  
"What the letter said, you stupid boy,"said Lucius, sounding very put out.  
  
"I can't remember,"said Draco, scratching his head. "I've just woken up. But seeing that you're here, I guess nothing good can come from it."  
  
"I'm here to see that nasty little creature,"said Lucius disdainfully.  
  
"Well, from what I know, Crabbe is in the Great Hall -"  
  
"No, not him,"snapped Lucius, head in hands. "Try and remember what happened yesterday, you irritating child."  
  
Draco stopped and had a good think. "I fell in the lake,"he said eventually.  
  
"And why did you fall in the lake?"said Lucius encouragingly.  
  
"Because you said you were coming to visit . . ."  
  
"And . . .?? Oh come on, Draco, surely even you should get this one."  
  
Draco did some more thinking until it finally came to him "Oooh yes! I had a baby, didn't I?"  
  
It was then that his words had impact on him, causing him to pass out.  
  
Lucius gave a sigh and levitated his son all the way over to the Ward, where Hermione was snoozing. On seeing Lucius, she gave a deep sigh and looked for an escape route.  
  
Sadly she couldn't find out and just stuck to scowling.  
  
"What happened to Draco?"she said, half concerned, half deeply amused.  
  
"He remembered that he was a father,"said Lucius shortly. He peered round the room. "So where's this nasty little grandchild of mine then?"he said, rubbing his hands together.  
  
Hermione was close to throwing something at Lucius's head, but pointed at the crib next to her bed instead.   
  
Lucius edged up to the cradle as if approaching a very dangerous bomb and peered inside warily. His hardened features softened slightly when he saw Stephan.  
  
"Well, at least the child's better looking than Draco was when he was born,"said Lucius. "Goodness what an ugly child my son was . . . couldn't look at him for days! It's rather sweet looking really . . ." After realising what he'd just said, Lucius composed himself. "So is it a boy or a girl?"  
  
"Boy,"said Hermioned snappily.  
  
Lucius grinned. "Ah-ha, good good, a boy to carry on the family name."  
  
"I'm not marrying Draco,"said Hermione.  
  
"Oh, I don't blame you,"said Lucius, glaring at his unconcious son. "Hideous boy that he is . . . I just want the child to have Malfoy for a last name."  
  
"Right now I don't care,"said Hermione. "I'm tired and the last thing I want is you and him hovering around the place." She pointed a finger at Draco, who had begun to twitch.  
  
Lucius glared at her for a moment, then gave a sharp nod. "Fine,"he said. "But you can tell him yourself when he comes around."  
  
Suddenly Lucius looked around him, a confused expression on his face.  
  
"I say,"he said. "Have you seen my wife anywhere?" He shuddered. "I'm certain she was here a moment ago . . ." Then it hit him. "Oh god I've left her in the carriage again! Honestly, I can't take her anywhere!"  
  
And with that Lucius bolted from the ward back out into the grounds.   
  
Draco opened one eye and looked around nervously. "Is he gone?"he whispered.  
  
Hermione looked surprised, then amused. "You were faking being unconcious the whole time?"she grinned.  
  
"Oh of course,"nodded Draco. "I used to do it all the time at home . . . you would've thought he'd catch on after seventeen years wouldn't you?" Draco thought about his last few words and remembered that Lucius had managed to forget his wife.  
  
"Maybe not,"he said. Draco took a deep breath and stood up. "If my mother comes looking for me, I've died and you don't know where they took my body, alright?"  
  
Hermione smiled and nodded. "Sure,"she said.  
  
Draco gave Stephan a kiss, Hermione a grin and then ran like a greased up gopher shot out of a cannon.  
  
Hermione shook her head and smiled at Stephan. "Your daddy is insane,"she said.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well that's chapter 12 . . oy maloy I don't know how long this fic is gonna go on for. If anyone has any ideas for new chapters or a sequel then let me know. Urgh . . .   
  
Anyway, new chapter shouldn't take me too long as I'm freeeeeeee as a moderately sized bird. Thank you for those who actually write constructive reviews, rather than the few people who write shite about things being too OOC. God that annoys the arse off me.  
  
Anyway, later . .  
  
Luv Lux 


	13. Lucius get's nasty again

Disclaimer : I'm sorry about the wait - builders had invaded my house for 2 months, hence the lack of technology. I don't own anything blah blah blah. And for the millionth time, the name is pronounced Steff-an.  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER   
  
Chapter 13 : Lucius get's nasty again  
  
A blissful couple of Lucius-Free hours drifted by. Just about anything that cast a shadow came to see the baby and Hermione was showered with many a useless thing, and the odd good present too.  
  
Draco was sitting quite happily on the end of the bed, rocking his son back and forth. Hermione eyed him suspiciously.  
  
''You're in a scarily good mood,''she said.  
  
Draco promptly ignored her and babbled nonsense to Stephan, who looked rather bored with his dad to be honest.  
  
Suddenly the doors of the ward burst open, and Lucius and a rather drunk Narcissa walked through. ( Or staggered in Narcissa's case. )  
  
Draco quickly passed Stephan to Hermione and pretended to pass out with terror.  
  
Lucius rolled his eyes and gave Draco a quick thwak with his cane. ''Oh, stop that, Draco,''he said. ''You ridiculous child.''  
  
Draco got up and pouted, distraught that his great farce of pretending to go unconcious at will had be found out after all these years of more or less relying on it.  
  
Narcissa blundered over to Hermione's bed, with all the grace of a dying rhinocerous and proceeded to squint in the baby's general direction.  
  
''Why have you been keeping my grandson from me?''slurred Narcissa.  
  
''Well, babies do scare easily, mother,''said Draco, from the opposite side of the bed.  
  
Narcissa gave Draco a particularly venomous, squinty glare, causing her son to yelp and hide behind his father, who was looking rather disinterested.  
  
''You poor thing, Hermione,''said Narcissa, in what was almost a kindly voice, if she hadn't spat everywhere. ''Having a baby and all that nonsense ... well don't worry - it'll be gone in sixteen years.''  
  
''Thank you, mother, for those optimistic words,''said Draco, with all the warmth and colour of an iceberg.  
  
Lucius looked around, then took a sneaky gulp of a hipflask of whiskey that had been cunningly hidden in his underwear.  
  
''That's the stuff,''he muttered to no-one in particular.  
  
Suddenly, Sirius and Ron burst into the ward.  
  
''Hermione, are you alright? Is that hideous old tart Narcissa bothering you?''cried Ron.  
  
Sirius turned his gaze onto Lucius. ''Oh, and talking of slimeballs,''he said to Ron. ''Lucius is here - someone's lucky...''  
  
Lucius turned his Stare of Death on Sirius, who nearly turned to stone. ''Ah Sirius,''he said. ''Always a pleasure.'' Lucius raised an eyebrow. ''Sirius ... you've gotten uglier than when I last saw you... Tell me you're holding up a picture of a pig's arse infront of you, because that simply *cannot* be your face.''  
  
''Ooooooh,''said Draco. ''Handbags, ladies!''  
  
''Don't take it the wrong way though,''said Lucius, with a fake smile.  
  
''Take it the wrong way??''exploded Sirius. ''How many ways are there to take it??''  
  
And with that, Sirius minced out of the room looking outraged.  
  
Lucius looked very pleased with himself, and to congratulate himself, conjured a piece of cake from thin air.  
  
Draco went to steal a bit and nearly lost a hand.  
  
''Away with you, foul child!''snapped Lucius.  
  
Suddenly, an owl came in through the window, hitting Narcissa firmly on the side of the head. She gave a little shriek, and on closer inspection, the owl looked really pleased with itself.  
  
''It's a letter from my mum and dad,''said Hermione. ''They're coming to see the baby in afew days.''  
  
An evil look passed over Narcissa and Lucius's faces. ''Oooh Muggles to play with,''said Narcissa.  
  
The owl thwaked her again, for no apparant reason and she stopped gloating.  
  
''No torturing of Hermione's parents!''snapped Draco. ''As much as you refuse to believe it, Muggle's don't enjoy being horribly tortured.''  
  
''Lies!''gasped Lucius.  
  
Draco gave Lucius a dark look.  
  
''Sorry,''said Lucius, head hung.  
  
''Where did Sirius go?''said Ron, as if he'd only just noticed. ''He seemed rather depressed.''  
  
''Well, with a face like a pig's arse, you would be,''smirked Lucius.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
In Dumbledore's office, Sirius sat slumped in a chair sobbing into a hanky.  
  
''Headmaster ... Lucius says I'm hideous ... am I?''  
  
The headmaster gave a strange chuckle. ''Hideous? No, no, my dear Sirius ... you're not as pretty as that.''  
  
And Sirius's wail of horror echoed through the castle.  
  
Lucius sniggered nastily.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, chapter 13 is over. Thank god. So, the next chapter will obviously involve Hermione's ill-fated parents and amusing run-in's with the Malfoys. Muahahahah.  
  
Luv Lux 


	14. Rambling, pills and breastfeeding

Disclaimer : Guess ... go on ... guess what I'm going to put here ... a packet of Jaffa cakes to the quickest!  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
  
Chapter 14 : Rambling, pills and breastfeeding  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Mr and Mrs Granger didn't look best pleased when they arrived at Hogwarts. In actual fact, they looked absolutely terrified out of they're wits, mainly due to the way Lucius kept leering at them and prodding them roughly with his cane when he thought no-one was looking.  
  
''He's a lovely baby,''cooed Mrs Granger. She threw a dark glare at Draco, who was mincing about Hermione's room looking depressed. ''Shame that he didn't look more like you though.''  
  
Lucius shot Mrs Granger a fairly terrifying look. ''I wouldn't be one to dish out judgement on looks if I were you, Mrs Granger,''he said dangerously. ''Considering that you have a face that reminds me of the arse of a bulldog I once owned as a boy.''  
  
Lucius's face went all dreamy as he reminiced about his youth. ''Yes ... Ripper we called him ... what a fantastic dog he was too... Not a day went by that he didn't savage something or other. Usually it was one of the servants but that was quite alright because they were fairly expendable and it wasn't hard to get new ones. I remember on one occasion ... my seventh birthday I believe...''  
  
Lucius babbled to himself for a good ten minutes, ignoring the horrified looks of Hermione's parents, and the frankly embarressed expression on Draco's face. At this point, Hermione was nearly used to Lucius's eccentric ramblings and ignored him.  
  
''Father,''said Draco, after Lucius had regailed them with a particularly gory part of his little nostalgia trip.  
  
''Yes?''said Lucius, smiling broadly.  
  
''What in the name of Greek buggery do you think you're doing?''  
  
Lucius blinked, and thought about it. ''I believe I was -''  
  
''Rambling pointlessly.'' Draco finished Lucius's sentance for him.  
  
''Well, yes ... yes I do believe I was,''said Lucius, completely unabashed. ''What's your point?''  
  
''Don't.''  
  
Lucius looked slightly hurt for a moment, then shrugged and took yet another deep gulp of whiskey.  
  
There was a long, protracted silence. Everyone but Lucius ( who had no concept of feeling awkward, being high-born and everything... ) looked particularly uncomfortable and shuffled about for a little while.  
  
Eventually Draco took it upon himself to clear his throat and put a welcome end to the silence that was threatening to engulf them all.  
  
''I reckon it's time for food,''he said. ''Anyone with me on this one?''  
  
Predictably, there was a mad dash to the Great Hall.  
  
Although the main reason for the mad dash was because Lucius started to chase Hermione's father in a fairly vicious manner, whilst trying to trip him up with his cane.  
  
''Come back, little Muggle! I won't hurt you! I swear!'' Lucius shrieked as he chased Mr Granger down the corridors.  
  
''Don't listen to him!'' Draco warned Mr Granger. ''It's all lies - the man's completely insane! Run! Run for your life!''  
  
And for the next twenty minutes, the only truly noticable noises in Hogwarts were Mr Granger's girlish screams and Lucius's mad giggling.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Draco sat morosely in the Great Hall with Hermione's mother, chewing a ham sandwich absent-mindedly. He turned to Mrs Granger with a strange expression on his face.  
  
''Don't you think you should be out there helping your husband?''he asked. ''My father has been chasing him for a good half hour now.''  
  
Mrs Granger looked Draco in the eye. ''Maybe you should learn to control that father of yours,''she hissed.  
  
''You act like I have some sort of power over him,''said Draco, looking confused. ''For God's sake, woman, the man is completely mad. The chances of anyone being able to control Lucius Malfoy are the same as someone trying to beat a Mammoth in an arm-wrestling competition.''  
  
Mrs Granger blinked. ''Is your father really insane?''she said, a worried look on her face.  
  
''As mad as a badger,''answered Draco, shaking his head sadly. ''My mother tells me that his dementia began soon after I was born, so I suppose the only person to blame is me. My father is one of God's special creatures you see ... so don't blame him. It's clearly all my fault.''  
  
''It's rather understandable,''said Mrs Granger spitefully.  
  
Draco felt hurt for a moment, then thought about it. ''You know what... I think you're right,''he said thoughtfully.  
  
At that moment Mr Granger sprinted in the Great Hall, shortly followed by Lucius, who was still giggling madly and brandishing his cane like a sword. Draco rolled his eyes and stuck out a foot as Lucius ran passed him.  
  
Naturally, Lucius didn't see Draco's foot and went sprawling arse over tit onto the floor. Draco sniggered to himself with grim satisfaction. Lucius lay on the floor breathing hard for a while, then sprang up, his face a picture of joy.  
  
''Oh Draco! Didn't see you there!'' Lucius wiped some sweat off his brow. ''Me and Hermione's father have been having all kinds of high-jinks, haven't we, old bean?'' He gave Mr Granger a mad grin, his eyebrows twitching all over the shop.  
  
Hermione's father took this oppurtunity to squeal like a girl and hide underneath a table. Lucius raised an eyebrow and prepared to dive under the table too.  
  
Draco held him back. ''No, dad... let him be. That'll do, pig, that'll do.''  
  
Lucius twitched a little as he looked at Mr Granger scuttling away from him, but he managed to control himself.  
  
''Oh ... well ..... damn...''muttered Lucius. He continued to twitch for the next fifteen minutes, before Draco got him to take some much-needed pills. They seemed to calm Lucius into a happy-stupor for a while, in which he passed the time by giggling inanely at a nearby wall and making his fingers ''walk'' across the table.  
  
Draco tried to ignore this and turned to Hermione's parents, who were looking suitably shaken at Lucius's behavior.  
  
''So ...''he said, in a desperate attempt to make conversation. ''What do you think of Stephan?''  
  
''Oh, he's a lovely baby, definantely,''said Mr Granger, keeping one eye on the drooling Lucius all the while. ''Lovely name you picked for him ... so ... when are you marrying my daughter?''  
  
Draco glared levelly at Mr Granger. ''Do you really need reminding that we are not living in the 1950's, you ridiculous little man?''  
  
''You are going to marry my daughter, Maloy,''said Mr Granger, threateningly.  
  
''Am I fuck.''  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Draco stamped into the ward, where Hermione was feeding the baby. Draco saw this and his face took on the expression of deep disgust.  
  
''Can you not do that??''he said, turning away.  
  
''I've got to feed the baby somehow,''said Hermione, coldly. ''I can't help it if you find breast-feeding sickening.''  
  
''My mother didn't breastfeed me,''said Draco. ''And I turned out alright.''  
  
''Says you.''  
  
Draco looked insulted, but decided not to dwell on it. He struggled to remember what he came to see Hermione for ( he often felt this way ). Then it finally came to him.  
  
''You would not believe what your father said to me a few minutes ago!''he shouted, flailing his arms about to show how scandalised he felt and how terrible the situation was.  
  
Hermione looked up with a vague interest. ''What?''  
  
''He said that he wants me to marry you!''cried Draco, looking pained. ''I mean ... that's just.... NO!''  
  
''He doesn't mean it,''said Hermione, with little interest. ''I wouldn't worry, if I were you.''  
  
''Oh, you're just useless, you are!''wailed Draco. ''You never want to get all irate. You're no bloody fun!''  
  
''Are you done?''said Hermione, not even looking up at him.  
  
Draco looked slightly hurt. He hung his head in shame. ''Yes,''he said.  
  
''Good.''  
  
And with that, Draco sloped miserably out of the room and back to the lake, to partake in what would definantely be one of his more interesting suicide attempts.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
I apoligise for the complete lack of updates. Sorry about that. College and my hectic social life take a bit of a toll on the ol' writing. Plus, I've got the beginning of a Jay and Silent Bob fic in the works too, so that's a bit of a pain in the arse too.  
  
Till next time, amigos.  
  
Luv Lux 


	15. Houses and the continued madness of Luci...

Disclaimer : Go on. Guess.  
  
THE KNEE TREMBLER  
  
Chapter 15 : Houses and the continued madness of Lucius  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After yet another of Draco's interesting suicide attempts, Hermione's parents had decided that they had had enough and left for home. This had depressed Lucius somewhat, as now he had no-one but Draco to torment and annoy, which after seventeen years was starting to get a bit old. Lucius just wandered around Hogwarts by himself, half-heartedly hitting first years with his cane every few steps and generally looking rather dejected.  
  
And so the circle of life was more or less complete.   
  
It was at this point that it was time to leave Hogwarts ( a/n : I was also too lazy to go into the school aspect... work ethic eh? ). Naturally Hermione had passed her exams with flying colours, even though she'd had a newborn baby to look after. Ron scraped through, much to everyone's surprise and Harry passed all of his exams, not through hard work, but because he's Harry Potter and he has to do well or bad things happen, such as silly angst plot lines and such.  
  
Draco passed all his exams too, which shocked the school so much that everyone needed a little lie down in a darkened room, whilst sipping ice cold water. Draco resented this, but as usual nobody cared.  
  
~~~~~  
  
''So what are you going to do now that we've finished school?''said Hermione, who was multi-tasking by keeping both Draco and the baby occupied ( the baby with food and Draco with something shiny ).  
  
''Not a clue really,''said Draco, looking somewhat confused as he'd never even considered the matter. He scratched his head and looked pained. ''I'll probably just sponge off Father.''  
  
''Won't he mind?''said Hermione.  
  
''I doubt it,''said Draco brightly. ''Mother has him so drugged up these days that he's utterly convinced he's a deep-sea diver. It's rather amusing. Would you like to come watch it sometime? It's such fun to wait for him to try and walk downstairs in a big metal diving suit... when he thinks he's at the bottom we give him a good shove and then watch him struggle to get up again. Sometimes it takes hours. It really is *too* much fun. You must try it.''  
  
Hermione raised an eyebrow. ''Maybe later.''  
  
There was a long period of giggling from the baby and giggling from Draco... he just couldn't control himself when shiny things were around. This behavior was quite understandable, when you looked at the mental state of the rest of Draco's family.  
  
''I need a house,''Hermione randomly said after a while.  
  
Draco stopped being entranced by his shiny thing and looked at her, confused. ''You might want to explain that.''  
  
''Well, it's quite simple, Draco,''said Hermione, exasperated. ''I need a house to bring up Stephan in. I can't move in with my parents... there just isn't the room.''  
  
Draco raised an eyebrow, then said in a rare moment of clarity, ''I think the excuse for not moving in with your parents is that your family couldn't bear having my parents anywhere near them, isn't it?''  
  
Hermione looked awkward.  
  
''Don't worry,'' Draco smiled. ''I feel the same way about having my parents near me.''  
  
''But I need money to buy a house....''  
  
''I know that you're trying to wheedle money out of me, you know,''said Draco. ''I've been swindling my parents for years - I think I know when someone's trying to swindle me.'' He cast Hermione a dark look. ''I may be dense but I'm not stupid.''  
  
A tumbleweed blew past.  
  
''So... can I have a house then?''said Hermione, with an engaging smile.  
  
Draco thought about it for a moment, looking grim.  
  
''Yeah, alright then.''  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Hermione moved into her new house only afew weeks after the conversation above. It was surprisingly nice, although it would have been better if Lucius hadn't gotten into the habit of hiding in the bushes in the garden and attacking the postman.  
  
''How did you manage to afford it?''said Hermione, impressed.  
  
Draco looked shifty. ''Ask no questions and you'll be told no lies,''he said.  
  
''Did your father have someone killed again?''sighed Hermione.  
  
''Mistakes were made....''said Draco shortly, before making a swift exit.  
  
''And one more thing,''said Hermione. ''Can you talk to your father about his habit of ambushing the postman? I'm running out of excuses to make to the neighbours.''  
  
''Why do the neighbours care?''said Draco.  
  
Hermione looked awkward again. ''Well apparantely your father has been breaking into their gardens and eating their potted plants.''  
  
Draco looked embarressed. ''Ah... I see...'' He opened the window to see Lucius being his usual disturbing self. ''Father!'' he shouted. ''Behave yourself! Don't make me come out there!''  
  
''You don't have the guts!''came Lucius's voice. This was followed swiftly by a small rock being thrown at Draco, hitting him in the centre of the skull. ''You big girl!''  
  
''Stop throwing those and stop calling me that!''  
  
~~~~~  
  
Before long Narcissa was called and she reluctantely took Lucius back to the Malfoy Manor.  
  
''Are you coming too, Draco?''said Narcissa.  
  
''No thanks,''he said. ''The further I am away from Father, the happier I am.''  
  
''A good point,''she said. Then she left, dragging Lucius with her and looking thoroughly annoyed at the world.  
  
''Well,''said Draco after Lucius was far, far away. ''Thank Christ he's gone.''  
  
Hermione nodded. ''Yes... a Lucius-free place is a happy place, so the saying goes.'' She turned to Draco. ''Are you having dinner here or what?''  
  
''Are you asking?''  
  
''Are you dragging out what should be a yes or no question?''  
  
''Absolutely.''  
  
Hermione sighed and massaged her temples. ''Yes or no, Draco. Don't make me beat you to death.''  
  
''Ok then I'll stay,''said Draco. ''But NO sex.''  
  
Hermione looked appalled. ''I wasn't planning on having sex with you!''  
  
Draco rolled his eyes. ''Course you weren't, you dirty bitch.'' He giggled.  
  
Hermione gave him the infamous Stare of Death.   
  
''Sorry,''he said.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Sorry that the chapter was so short again, but I'm snowed under right now and it's hard keeping up with my fics. Till next time.  
  
Lux Aeterna  
  
x 


	16. Damn that veg!

Disclaimer : Oh, for the love of all things good and cake-like...  
  
The Knee Trembler  
  
Chapter 16 : Damn that veg!  
  
Draco and Hermione picked at their food and exchanged awkward smiles with eachother. Draco also took it upon himself to cough more times than was really necessary. He finally stopped this when he somehow managed to cough the wrong way and ended up choking on a rogue piece of brocolli. One swift Heimlich-manovuere from Hermione later and he was back to normal. Well... about as close to normal as Draco could get anyway.  
  
''So...''said Draco, in a sad attempt at conversation. ''Food eh?''  
  
Hermione stared at him blankly for a moment, then carried on eating.  
  
But Draco was not to be put off that easily and continued to babble. ''So... weather eh? Been a bit mad this week hasn't it?''  
  
''It's been sunny, Draco.''  
  
''Yes, well... I'm not used to sun. Burns my skin terribly. Besides, back at father's house there only ever seems to be dark, ominous clouds hovering overhead. You know - thunder and lightning; that sort of thing.''  
  
Hermione cracked a smile. ''I'm sure your father does than deliberately,''she said.  
  
''Oh yes, very possibly,''agreed Draco. ''One time he made it snow indoors for a week. Honestly, I don't know what he thinks he's achieving.''  
  
Hermione nodded sagely.  
  
And then, for no other reason than to move the plot along, Harry and Ron turned up.  
  
''Oh, for God's sake,''Draco muttered under his breath.  
  
''Hello, Herm,''said Harry, duely ignoring Draco.''Where's Stephan?''  
  
''Sleeping,''replied Hermione. ''Although I'm surprised Idiot by here didn't wake him up, nearly choking on a piece of brocolli and making enough commosion to wake the dead.''  
  
''Still haven't grasped that 'eating' thing yet, Malfoy?''smirked Ron.  
  
''Still haven't grasped that 'having money' thing, Weasley?''retorted Draco, spitefully.  
  
''Fuck off.''  
  
''Still dancing for pennies I see? Good God, I would've thought that you'd at least have resorted to prostitution by now! Although... let's be honest - you'd only appeal to the most discerning or seriously drunk of people.''  
  
Ron went a rather startling puce colour. ''I may be poor, Malfoy,''he said, trying to keep some dignity. ''But at least I can handle an attack from a piece of brocolli, without being helped by a woman.''  
  
''Yes, well, I don't care,''said Draco. ''Because I have money, and you don't.''  
  
Then, just to make the whole argument that little bit more infantile, Draco poked his tongue out and blew a raspberry.  
  
''Honestly Hermione,''said Harry. ''I don't know how you put up with him. He's annoying even when he isn't saying anything.''  
  
''I resent that!''Draco cried, but he was ignored yet again by Harry.  
  
''Oh, I don't know,''said Hermione. ''He does certainly have the potential to be a spectacular annoyance, but when you're in a different room to him, he's almost likeable.'' She turned to Ron. ''Just ignore him. He gets ratty in the evenings. He's just like a big child in that respect.''  
  
''Yes, but it must put awful strain on you - having to tolerate two children when you only have one,''said Harry.  
  
''Stop talking about me as if I'm not here!''Draco cried.  
  
''Tell Malfoy that I usually pretend he's not alive, as opposed to just not here,''said Harry, determined not to so much as look at Draco.  
  
''Why is he telling you to say it?!''Draco snapped at Hermione. ''I'm two foot away from him! I can hear him perfectly! This is so childish that even I fail to understand it!''  
  
Hermione shook her head. ''Draco, Harry says that he usually pretends you're not alive.''  
  
''I already told you that I heard him! For God's sake, woman!''said Draco, exasperated.  
  
''And also tell Malfoy that I think he's a complete waste of space and that seeing him on a regular basis make me feel the urge to commit hate crimes,''Harry said.  
  
''Harry says to tell you that - ''  
  
''Shut up!''Draco yelled. ''I don't care! And Potter, you don't need to tell Hermione to tell me, as I am within touching distance of you and can hear you bloody fine!''  
  
Harry turned to Draco. ''Don't remind me that you're close enough to touch me. It sickens me.''  
  
Draco pouted and tried to think of a suitable comeback. This failed. Spectacularly.  
  
''Oh.... you big spoon,''he muttered, before fleeing the room in a huff.  
  
''Well,''smiled Harry. ''That worked well.''  
  
''So...''said Hermione. ''Defeated Voldemort yet?''  
  
''Yes.''  
  
''When?''  
  
''Last week actually.''  
  
''Well, good for you, Harry.''  
  
''Yeah... it was a bit of a let-down really. Nice to get it out of the way though.''  
  
''Yeah, I see what you mean.''  
  
And this pointless conversation continued well into the night, much to everyone's boredom.  
  
The next day, Lucius turned up at the house again, much to everyone's dissapointment. Draco refused to answer the door.  
  
''What do you want?''he said, warily from an upstairs window.  
  
''I'm bored,''said Lucius, rather dejectedly. ''Ever since the Dark Lord was defeated last week I've got nothing to do. I can't even be evil anymore; I mean... what's the point if the ultimate evil dark lord is destroyed? It's all a bit pointless really.''  
  
''Well, you can't come in here,''Draco said.  
  
''Why not?''  
  
''Because I don't like you.''  
  
''Oh. Well, I already knew that but it never stopped me before.''  
  
''But Dad, you were evil then,''said Draco. ''It gave you a bit of an edge. Now you're just blond. And have a stick.''  
  
''It's a cane,''snapped Lucius.  
  
''I don't care what it is,''said Draco. ''But you're not coming in my house.''  
  
''I bought it,''said Lucius sulkily.   
  
''Not quite, Dad,''said Draco. ''You had someone bumped off so you could swipe it when nobody was looking.''  
  
''Oh yes!''said Lucius, looking rather pleased all of a sudden. ''I did, didn't I?''  
  
Suddenly there was a voice from inside. ''Who is it, Draco?''said Hermione, who was currently feeding the baby.  
  
''It's my father,''said Draco, in a voice that suggested deep displeasure. Which was true.  
  
''Oh,''said Hermione, in a tone that echoed Draco's. They exchanged dissapointed looks. ''You're not letting him in, are you?''  
  
''Why do you think I'm talking to him from a first floor window?''  
  
''Good point.''  
  
Lucius's oddly plaintive voice made itself known again. ''Draco...''he whined. ''Please let me in... I'm not good at doing anything else but being evil. Can I hit you with my cane or something?''  
  
''No. Haven't you got a home to go to?!''Draco snapped.  
  
''Well yes, but that doesn't mean I want to be there...''  
  
''Go home!''  
  
Lucius sighed. ''All right.''  
  
And he did.  
  
And that's that chapter done. I know it didn't really go anywhere but I'm at a bit of a loss at how to continue this; whether to keep it humour/parody until I run out of amusing things to write, or make it into a romance sort of thing. Ideas will be very appreciated. Sorry this chapter took me so long to do by the way, but I was rather preoccupied with my Jay and Silent Bob fic and slightly baffled as what to write in this one. Anyway, I've got the summer now to write loads of silly nonsense. Until then... bye.  
  
Lux   
  
x 


	17. The End, hopefully

Disclaimer : I own nothing. Rarr.

THE KNEE TREMBLER Chapter 17 : Hopefully the end?

Draco was in love. Or maybe he was just hungry. He wasn't sure.

To try and end this mystery he headed in the direction of the kitchen. Both Hermione and food were there, so deciding if he was hungry or in love would be far easier there than in the living room.

''Hello,''he said as he entered the kitchen. This wasn't a very grand way to start things, Draco realised. He shrugged to himself and carried on. ''How are you?''

Hermione turned around and peered at him suspiciously. It was rare that Draco inquired to anyone's wellbeing, unless he was forced to, and as there was nobody behind him threatening him quietly, Hermione felt even more suspicious.  
''I'm fine, thanks,''she said. ''Rather busy though... Did you want something?''

Draco went over the food/love problem in his head again. Hermione was rather pretty, he concluded. However, they didn't actually have anything in common, apart from a strong dislike of Lucius. Then again, most people had that in common with eachother, so it didn't really count. The only other similarity between eachother that Draco could see was that they both had heads.

''I was wondering about something...''said Draco, scratching his head in what might have been a nervous gesture if Draco hadn't been quite so disinterested in everything.

''Which is?''said Hermione.

''Something tells me that I might be in love with you, but I might also be hungry,''he said. ''I was hoping you could help me work this one out.''

Hermione raised an eyebrow at him, looking rather surprised. ''I see...''she said. She twiddled her thumbs, apparantely quite lost for words. ''Well,''she said eventually. ''When you see me do you get butterflies in your stomach?''

''No.''

''Do you want to spend every waking moment making me happy?''

''No.''

''Do you think about me all the time?''

''No.''

Hermione sighed. ''Is your stomach rumbling?''

''Yes.''

''Then you're just hungry,''said Hermione, looking suitably relieved.

Draco beamed. ''Well, thank you for helping me clear that up. And a bloody good thing too! I might have done something stupid like asked you to marry me or something equally ridiculous.''

Hermione smiled back. It was one of those rare moments where they understood eachother. ''I'll make you a sandwich,''she said.

Draco was pleased.

And so, to end this story that has plagued me, the poor author for months, Draco and Hermione lived happily ever after. Hermione eventually met someone with an actual brain, fell in love and got married, and Draco spent his days living in the Malfoy Manor, spending his father's money and generally having a fabulous time being a wealthy young gad-about. Stephan, luckily, inherited his mother's brains and turned out to be quite a nice young man, despite having a very odd father. Draco took him out shooting now and then. It was nice.

Ron never came into any money at all, and lived with Fred and George until he got married and leeched off his wife. Harry signed many major film contracts to show his amazing life, although they had to change his defeat of Voldemort and make it less boring.

Crabbe and Goyle spent the rest of their lives grinning stupidly, and were very happy.

The End. Hooray.

Right, that's that. Thank God! Sorry this chapter was so short, but there wasn't really much more I could write. I shall now be finishing off my Jay/Silent Bob fic and hopefully writing some new ones. I may write some more HP fics, but I'm in the mood to writing something about Gundam Wing, which is also great.

Anyway, thank you all for reading and reviewing and such. Lux Aeterna x 


End file.
